A Reasonable Defence
by OneSizeFitsAll
Summary: Several dislikable characters write a series of papers defending themselves and their actions. Includes good guys as well as bad guys...for anyone who feels like the world doesn't fully appreciate him.
1. Chapter 1: Sauron

***NEWS BULLETIN* (circa July 20, 2014)  
_PLEASE READ_**

**As you know, I have just posted the 19th chapter of A Reasonable Defence. The next chapter I post will be the 20th. (Woohoo!) It is also the 20th day of July today. _And_ there are 20 people following this story. So, just for fun, I want to see if this story can get 200 (10 times 20) reviews before I post chapter 20. If I do get 200 reviews (right now I have 176) I'm going to give you all a special gift, from me to you. So everybody REVIEW! Oh, and as a little something extra, if this story is put on 20 more people's favourite lists before the next chapter comes out (it's on 13 favourite's lists, right now), I'll give you a bonus gift! And if I get 20 unique voters to vote on my poll (I have 19, right now), I'll give you yet one _more_ bonus gift. And I may even give something to the 200th person who reviews, if I can think of anything. Anyways, it'll be quite the give-away if it actually ends up happening. (Which it will. I have faith in you, readers!)**

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**Publishers Note: This document was published by **OneSizeFitsAll**. The sentiments expressed within it are solely those of the author (Sauron) and not necessarily those of**OneSizeFitsAll**. If you wish to ask questions, voice objections, give encouragement, etc. you may review at the bottom of the page or PM **OneSizeFitsAll** and he will contact the author, eventually returning with the author's reply if a reply is necessary or desired. Thankyou.**

Sauron's Defense

Hi. My name is Sauron. As the villain of Lord of the Rings, I tend to get a pretty nasty rap. I'm the big Eye in the sky, always trying to kill the good guys, steal (actually, regain my rightful property is a better way of putting it) the ring, take over the world, etc. But nobody ever sees things from my point of view. How can they? After all, I'm the only one who can get on top of Barad-dur. So everyone naturally assumes I'm the monster who's causing all the problems. But that's not true, and I'd like to defend myself.

Firstly, people are always talking about how I tricked people into taking these magic rings I made and then enslaved them with them. But, seriously, if people are dumb enough to take magic rings from a guy who's supposedly been evil all his life (and, being a Maia, all my life is a really long time) they deserve to be enslaved. In fact, they already were enslaved...to their own stupidity. When I reportedly 'enslaved' them, I was simply setting them free from themselves. You may not have noticed, but you never hear the Nazgul complaining.

Secondly, no one ever thinks of how uncomfortable it is to be an Eye and nothing more. It's positively creepy! And lonely. Everybody is terrified of me except for the Mouth of Sauron, who understands part of what it's like, since he's nothing more than a mouth.

Thirdly, while everyone blames Isildur for keeping the ring, no one blames him for cutting off my hand. No one except me, that is. (Which is unfair, seeing as everyone thought it was so horrible when Gollum bit off Frodo's finger. Losing a finger is nothing compared to losing a hand, along with the rest of you, as well.) Honestly, if Isildur hadn't cut off my hand, he would never have gotten hold of the ring, much less have been able to keep it. And if he had never had the ring, then neither would have Gollum, nor Bilbo, nor Frodo, and the War of the Ring would never have happened, and thus the world would have been spared much sorrow and grief. So Isildur should have just left me alone. All the troubles of the years are his fault, not mine.

Another thing, people call me cruel for trying to kill the fellowship. Come on, this is war! Gandalf is slaying my balrogs, Aragorn, Legolas, and Gimli are hunting my orcs, Merry and Pippin are laying siege to the tower of my servant, Sam and Frodo are trying to destroy my ring, and people want me to let them run lose through Middle Earth? That's discrimination! They should keep out of my way, if they don't want to get hurt. It's not as though I just love killing people or watching them suffer. When the Mouth died, I was as upset as the fellowship was when Boromir did. It's just that, in war, you've got to do what you've got to do.

Lastly, when you think about it, Frodo had absolutely no right to destroy my ring. I made it and it belonged to me. Isildur stole it, and then this useless hobbit gets the idea into his head to throw it into the fire. He should have returned it to me, as you return a wallet or a lost puppy to its owner.

And yet, somehow I'm always the one who gets blamed. I'm the villain, he's the hero. How fair is that? After reading my defense, I hope you will rethink your former view of me and accept me for who I am.

-Sauron, the Great Eye

**P/N: If you have any ideas for other people whose defenses should be presented, let me know. I have some people...er, that is, beings lined up already, but I would appreciate more suggestions.**


	2. Chapter 2: Faramir

**P/N: This document was published by **OneSizeFitsAll**. The sentiments expressed in this document are solely those of the author (Faramir) and are not necessarily shared by **OneSizeFitsAll**. If you wish to ask questions, voice objections, give encouragement, etc. you may review at the bottom of the page or PM **OneSizeFitsAll** and he will contact the author, eventually returning with a reply if a reply is necessary or desired. Thank **

**Also, thank you, **ccgaylord, Lily-lindsey Aubery, and CloveClove**, for reviewing.** Ccgaylord, **I**** will indeed contact some orcs, and after I finish posting this I mean to go search out some balrogs and giant spiders. Sorry if it takes me sometime to find them, and, therefore takes me a while to get back. **Lily-Lindsey Aubrey**, as to balrogs, see above. As to Faramir, here you are, you get your wish. As to Boromir, I've got him on the list of people to call. Keep an eye out. **CloveClove**, I told Sauron about your review, and he told me to tell you that he's sending an air high-five your way. He also said, "Finally! Someone understands!" Thank you all.**

Faramir

Hi, mate. I'm Faramir, and, I mean, that's like really rough. I mean, like, when you're Faramir, everybody expects you to be like really great and live up to all their ideals. And I mean like EVERYBODY. My dad, Frodo, the audience, basically the whole world. Sometimes I wish Tolkien hadn't made me look so great in the book, it's impossible to live up to that kind of image in real life. Let alone living up to Boromir. I just can't do it, I'm not that awesome and I never can be. But I can explain why I did some of the things I did which made me look, like, really bad.

No one really understands me. So much information didn't make it into the public domain. No one knows, for instance, that my dad accused me of murdering Boromir myself. I _had_ to kidnap Sam and Frodo in order to prove my innocence...forget about my quality! Of course, I didn't know at that point that Pippin had already told Dad the truth. And so it was like really selfless of me that I let them go at all. I mean, like, I was going back, expecting to be sent to jail or even executed.

Another thing, my dealings with Gollum. Some people accuse me of lying when I told Frodo that anyone who entered the Forbidden Pool was killed. Actually, it was essentially the truth. Anyone who didn't pay the designated fee was to be killed. I rightly guessed that neither Gollum, nor the hobbits, had any money on them. Therefore, it was true that I was going to have to kill Gollum.

As for those who complain about the fact that I look fruity and that I have an Australian accent, those are things I just can't help. I am sure everyone has at least one friend who looks as fruity as I do, and it's called racism to object to my accent.

That's all, mate. Hope you like me better, now that you understand me, and have heard everything like it really happened.

-Faramir

**P/N: If you have any ideas for other people whose defenses should be presented, let me know. I have some people...err, that is, beings, lined up already, but I would appreciate more suggestions.**


	3. Chapter 3: The Mouth of Sauron

**P/N: This document was published by **OneSizeFitsAll**. The sentiments expressed in this document are solely those of the author, (The Mouth of Sauron) and do not necessarily represent those held by **OneSizeFitsAll**. If you wish to ask questions, voice objections, give encouragement, etc. you may review at the bottom of the page or PM **OneSizeFitsAll** and he will contact the author, eventually returning with the author's reply, if a reply is necesary or desired. Thank you.**

**Thanks to **aitchee and CloveClove** for reviewing.** Aitchee, **I**** contacted Sauron, and he said, yes, you definitely should return lost puppies to their owners and that people who let their dogs loose on humanity, or Maiaity, deserve to have their lives plagued out by puppies, and it's not about evil, it's about justice. Sauron doesn't like dogs...especially not puppies. (Neither do I, but that's a different story.) **CloveClove**, Faramir says he is glad you enjoyed his defense, but he wasn't actually trying to be funny. And I would only be to happy to do one about the Nazguls...I was already planning to ask The Witch King of Angmar to write one (I'm very fond of The Witch King), but now that I think of it, all nine would be a great idea. Keep an eye out.**

**Another Note: To entirely get this chapter, you have to have seen the extended addition of the Lord of the Rings, as the MOS doesn't appear in the normal addition, and doesn't get his head chopped off in the book. But if you haven't seen it, please read anyways.**

**Warning: This next chapter is rated PG for possibly disturbing mental images.**

The Mouth of Sauron

Okay, so, my name is The Mouth of Sauron, but most people call me the MOS because Mouth of Sauron is way to long...and in Mordor, we don't enjoy wasting time. At least not on calling people by their full names. We waste plenty of time on other things...like taunting our enemies, and calling people we don't like by long, alternate names which tend to be derogatory.

Okay, so, I think people tend to think a lot worse of me than I deserve. Of course, nobody's perfect, but I'm not such a bad guy as all that. You think I'm bad? You should meet my boss. Or the Witch King. Or Saruman. But me? I'm nice...generous...everything that a bad guy isn't.

Look at it this way...I didn't kill Frodo, did I? No. Did I torture him? No. Did I hurt all those annoying people who came out to the black gate, looking for war? No! Instead, I came out, negotiated calmly, cheerfully, and reasonably, and what do I get for it? I get my head chopped off by some Dunedain who wants to be a King. Or doesn't want to be but is going to be anyways. Honestly, it's completely unfair.

Okay, so, I told them I killed (and tortured) Frodo. But it was only a joke, and everybody knew it or should have known it. I mean, if Sauron had the Ring of Power, he would have already killed them all by then, and if he had caught and killed Frodo, he would have had it. So they should have known I was joking and not been poor sports and cut off my head.

The worst of it is, no one even feels sorry for me for having my head chopped off, and most people still regard Aragorn as some kind of Knight in Shining Armour for killing me. He looked more like a beggar in muddy rags to me. And it's so uncomfortable to have one's head chopped off. I hear that Sauron was complaining of getting his finger chopped off. (He always says it was his hand, but don't believe him. I know better. It was his finger, he just likes to say hand so that he can say that he endured more than Frodo.) It's ever so much worse to have one's head chopped off. And I'm not like Sauron...I can't vaporize and rematerialize as an Eye...or in my case, as a Mouth.

Imagine how cheesy (and disturbing) that would look...a Mouth on top of a tower. It would look like a huge toothpaste commercial...and I don't even use toothpaste. Not but that Sauron once suggested it. He said we should have three towers...an Eye on top of one, and Hand (a white one) on top of the other, and a Mouth on top of the last. I objected to the suggestion. very strongly, so he dropped it.

But I'm getting off topic. I'm supposed to be defending myself. Only I can't think of anything else to defend myself about. I never did anything wrong, as you should have seen by now. So please stop lauding Aragorn as a hero and me as a villain. It's quite annoying. Honestly, Aragorn is more of a villain than I am. Nobody, even the most villainous villain, like Sauron...or Darth Vader...just kills people with out fair warning. Nobody except for Aragorn...and Han Solo.

Okay, so, I guess that's all for now.

-The MOS

**P/N: If you have any ideas for other people whose defenses should be presented, let me know. I have some people...er, that is, beings lined up already, but I would appreciate more suggestions.**


	4. Chapter 4: The Nazgul

**P/N: This document was published by ** OneSizeFitsAll**. The sentiments presented in this document are solely those of the authors (the Nazgul) and are not necessarily held by ** OneSizeFitsAll**. If you wish to ask questions, voice objections, give encouragement, etc. you may leave a comment at the bottom of the page or PM ** OneSizeFitsAll**, and he will contact the author, eventually returning with the authors reply, if a reply is necessary or desired.**

**Thanks to ** Melkor'sOnlyLieutenant**, ** Suspicion's Curiosity**, ** CloveClove**,** TimeyWimeyGirl**, and **LuthienThranduillion** for reviewing. ** Melkor'sOnlyLieutenant**, Sauron says that sueing Frodo is an awesome idea, and that he's going to try it. He says he forgot about Gollum blowing up Mordor...no one can remember everything...but that it is quiet true, he did. And that he needs a hand so he can beat people up when they defy him. He wasn't always nothing but an eye, after all. ** Suspicion's Curiosity**, glad to hear it. I told my writers and they all send smiley faces. Here they are. :) :) :) ** CloveClove**, MOS says he totally agrees with you...it's completely unfair they took him out. He was the best part! (That's my opinion as well as his.) ** TimeyWimeyGirl**, look at that! Another Nazgul request! I didn't know they were that popular...though they're some of my favourite characters (isn't the Witch King cute?)! Well, here you are! ** LuthienThranduillion**, I told Faramir, and he says you're awesome, although he's already married. And I personally like Aussie accents too, though I prefer Thor's to Faramir's. And I'm definitely doing a defense of Boromir...he's basically my favourite character, so I can't leave him out, poor guy. Thanks again, all!**

The Nazgul

Hi. We're the Nazgul.

The Witch King (TWK): Totally, dude!

Nazgul #2 (N2): That's not what you're supposed to say!

TWK: Hey! Who's in charge here? You or me?

Nazgul #3 (N3): Just get on with it!

TWK: Whatever. Just wanted to let y'all know that we're way too underrated. Everybody thinks we're the bad guys...but, hey! it's not our fault! We were enslaved, remember? Therefore, Eowyn had no right to kill me, rather, she should have set me free. No one tried to kill Frodo when the One Ring enslaved him...no one but Gollum, that is, and he doesn't count.

N2: Exactly! Why does he get to be the hero, and we're always the villains?

Nazgul #4 (N4): A just question!

N3: Yeah! It's completely unfair...

N4: Yeah! For instance, why did only the MEN turn into Nazgul? What about the dwarf lords? And the elves?

Nazgul #5 (N5): Just what I was thinking. And why on earth couldn't Sauron find the useless elves who had the rings? He gave the rings to them, didn't he?

Nazgul #6 (N6): Yeah, but they have them away to other people. I mean elves.

N5: But at the beginning of the Lego game, Galadriel had one of the rings.

Nazgul #7 (N7): Naw, you guys have it all wrong.

Nazgul #8 (N8): Yeah, you do. Sauron didn't give the elves rings, the elves made them themselves.

N7: No they didn't! If they made them, how could they enslave them?

Nazgul #9 (N9): They didn't enslave them, stupid!

TWK: Come on guys! Just be quiet!

N9: Yeah, do.

N3: The point is, it's not fair that only the men turned into ring wraiths.

TWK, N2, and N4: Exactly!

N5: But I still think it's pretty silly that a great eye like Sauron can't find two useless elves and a wizard.

N8: Wait a minute...a wizard?

N2: Yeah. Gandalf had the other ring, remember?

N6: I thought Celeborn had it!

N8: Don't be silly. Cirdan had it.

TWK: Yeah. And gave it to Gandalf!

N7: Let's just get on with it.

TWK: Anyways, we are entirely not to blame for our actions. They are caused by nobody trying to save us!

N9: Hear, hear!

N4: We can't hear with you yelling in our ears!

N2: Ignore them. Go on.

TWK: There's nothing to go on with! That's the end!

N6: It is? Really? Oh...yay!

All: Yay!

**P/N: If you have any ideas for other people whose defenses should be presented, let me know! I would appreciate suggestions!**


	5. Chapter 5: Boromir

**P/N: This document was published by ** OneSizeFitsAll**. The sentiments presented in this document are solely those of the author (Boromir) and are not necessarily held by ** OneSizeFitsAll**. If you wish to ask questions, voice objections, give encouragement, etc. please review at the bottom of the page or PM ** OneSizeFitsAll**_, _and he will contact the author, eventually returning with the author's reply, if a reply is necessary or desired. Thank you.**

**Thank you, **TimeyWimeyGirl**, ** mystiKoE**,** ccgaylord**, ** Girl of Twilight Wings**, and **CloveClove **for reviewing. **TimeyWimeyGirl**, the Nazgul send smileys, high fives, fist bumps, and more smiley faces.** MystiKoE**, the MOS says that Aragorn is the muddiest, most ragged beggar he has ever seen. And all my writers were glad to hear you have been rethinking your former ideas. ** Ccgaylord**, the MOS says he is sorry that the fact that he doesn't use toothpaste offends your delicacy, but he simply can't afford it. Toothpaste is expensive in Mordor. Not to mention that if his teeth were white, everyone would think he was Loki in disguise. And Star Wars is his favourite movie. ** Girl of Twilight Wings**, excellent suggestions. Keep an eye out for their defenses, but don't be surprised if it takes a little while. It's so hard to get a call through to Valinor these days. ** CloveClove**, the Nazgul say they are indeed lovely and adorable, and you're welcome. And here comes Boromir right now!**

Boromir

Hi. I'm Boromir. I'm not really sure why** OneSizeFitsAll** asked me to write this...I was under the impression that I was everybody's favourite character, or at least their second favourite. I'm disappointed if I was wrong.

Okay, well, I guess I'll start out with why I tried to steal the ring. It's called inherited insanity. I got it from my dad. For me, it only occasionally breaks out for short periods of time. With Dad and Faramir, however, it's an on going problem.

Honestly, who on Middle Earth would want the One Ring? Me, Faramir, Denethor, Gollum, Bilbo, Galadriel, Sauron, reportedly Saruman, and you notice something? All these people are insane. Well, so is everybody in Middle Earth, but I'm talking criminally insane. I was not at all responsible for my actions...I was not aware of what I was doing. Yet in spite of this fact, I apologized to Frodo like a gentleman.

Um...what else bad did I do? I can't remember anything...so I guess I'll just talk about all the good stuff I did. For instance, I was so nice to the halflings! I taught Merry and Pippin how to use their swords...Aragorn would have just left them to wave them wildly about whenever they were attacked. In fact, he did, up on Weather Top. Of course, after I taught them, they still did nothing but wave them wildly, but at least I tried. And on Caradhras, when everyone else was thinking of their own welfare, I was thinking of the halflings. Even when I was overcome by madness, I was worried about how Frodo would be the death of all the halflings, and as I lay dying, I spoke of the trouble the halflings were in, not of my own. I'm such a soft hearted guy.

Another thing, I was such a loyal patriot and obedient son. Not like Aragorn, who couldn't care less about Gondor, and was always thinking about how awful his ancestors were. Hey, Isildur COULDN'T have been worse than dad. Yet I did what he wanted, and even loved him anyways. And I gave everything I had for Gondor because jerky Aragorn wouldn't come back and do his duty, even though he knew dad was entirely unfit for the position of steward and needed to be relieved from his place.

And yet you never hear of little nine year olds pretending to be Boromir...it's always Aragorn? What did Aragorn ever do that I wouldn't have exceeded if I had lived long enough? It's so sad. I could have saved the world without destroying or using the ring, if I had survived.

Anyways, if you didn't like me before, I hope you've changed your mind, and if you did, I hope you like me even better, now.

-Boromir

**P/N: If you have any other ideas off people whose defenses should be presented, please let me know. I would appreciate suggestions.**


	6. Chapter 6: Denethor

**P/N: This document was published by OneSizeFitsAll. The sentiments expressed in this document are solely those of the author (Denethor) and are not necessarily held by OneSizeFitsAll. If you wish to ask questions, voice objections, give encouragement, etc. You may leave a review at the bottom of the page or PM OneSizeFitsAll, and he will contact the author, eventually returning with the author's reply, if a reply is necessary or desired. Thank you.**

**Thanks to Miriel Tolkien, Dragonsire13, Melkor'sOnlyLieutenant, LuthienThranduillion, TimeyWimeyGirl, and CloveClove for reviewing. Miriel Tolkien, Faramir says thanks, you're are so encouraging, mate. In this story though, it's too late. (If you want to read a story where there still is hope for those some, try The Witch King of Angmar by me.) Dragonsire13, Sauron says that he had some VERY good points there, as he hopes you noticed. And the Nazgul say that they can't help their accents, but they agree with you, that's probably what made them have so few lines, and that now that they've written out what they say so people can understand them, hopefully their fan base will increase. Thank you for your concern. Melkor'sOnlyLieutenant, (and everyone else who PMed me to say that they like Boromir) Boromir says...Well, here's his message, word for word. "Hi guys, you're awesome! I'm so glad to hear you like me better! And, yeah, it's pretty rough to inherit insanity. And thanks for the comment about the nine year olds. Sometimes I dream that I'll walk down the street and see little kids pretending to be me. It's my highest ambition, to be some kid's hero and to inspire him to be great." (Sorry if there are wet spots on the page, the publisher has been crying for the past few seconds. Sniff sniff.) LuthienThranduillion, Boromir says thanks for understanding, and see above. TimeyWimeyGirl, Boromir sends a smiley face. Here it is. :) CloveClove, yes, Aragorn just gets more and more unpopular. Maybe I should get him to write a Defense. What do you guys think? And you're completely welcome. I plan to keep doing this as long as I can find people who will write for me...And after I'm done I may switch to a different movie. Maybe Avengers or Star Wars. So expect me around for a good long while.**

**Note: You have to have read the book to understand some of these references, such as the part about the Palantir.**

**Another Note: I just revised this chapter, acting on suggestions from time2read, and a few family members. I'll tell you what belongs to the former at the end of the chapter. But I would like to recognize them here.**

Denethor

Hi, I'm Denethor. I want you to know that I'm really not that bad of a guy...really!

First things first, you have to understand I have huge emotional and mental problems. I've been battling depression ever since my wife died, and it's not like we had any meds back then to cure it. How would you feel if you wife died and you had a country to rule and two sons to raise on top of it all? It's no wonder I was depressed. And I had to live with it and try to overcome it all by myself. And the fact that Boromir died, Osgiliath fell, and Faramir was injured didn't lighten my mood any.

Still, I think I could have dealt with it, only I looked into that Palantir. When I looked into the Palantir I had what you might call a front row seat on the misery of the world around me. I saw all the bad things that were sure to happen, and I got even more depressed.

Why did I look into the Palantir? Well, everybody else had their little magic tool. Gandalf had his staff, Galadriel had her mirror, and they expected me to battle the armies of Mordor all by myself! Besides, nobody warned me they were addictive! Once I looked in once, the temptation was far too great for mortal man to resist! (And I don't believe an immortal elf could have resisted it either.) Aragorn looked in a Palantir and no one got mad at him. But he wasn't any better than I was...he couldn't see anything but what the Eye wanted him to see either. It's completely unfair.

Another thing...I really loved Faramir. He reminded me of his mother, before she died. The reason I was so hard on him was that I really wanted to see him succeed. Criticism made him want to succeed, as well. You see how much time he spent, just trying to prove his quality. So I had to be mean to him, to get him to do something.

It worked because he was a pushover. Anyone could make him do anything. As I said, I really do love him...but he was annoying sometimes, just because he would just do whatever. Like when he was told to draw the troops out of Osgiliath. He didn't question, he didn't think it through. He just said "Okay...I'll do whatever you say..." I bet if he had been Steward he would have just handed Gondor over to that no-good ranger...just so that he wouldn't have to make the decisions. He was always like that. Leaving the burden of decision making to someone else...usually Boromir. Once Boromir died and he had to make the decisions, he always made bad ones because he didn't know how.

That was why I didn't send him to Rivendell instead of Boromir in the first place. I was afraid he would get hurt by making a bad decision, and I was afraid he would just do whatever Elrond told him to and let them destroy the Ring. I knew Boromir could deal with any difficulties he might meet. Of course, I didn't expect him to join up with some fellowship and try to steal the Ring. We needed the Ring of course; it shouldn't have been destroyed...but theft? That was going a bit far. I was thinking more along the lines of negotiation.

I didn't really want him to go kill himself retaking Osgiliath. I never dreamed he would actually do it. I wanted to force him into defying me. He was such a milksop...I wanted him to learn he could control his own life and make his own decisions. But when he gave in and did what I told him to, it wasn't as though I could back out and say 'Never mind, I don't want you to go after all.'

Okay, so I did try to burn up Faramir. Well, parents are only human! You show me a parent who hasn't thought of burning up his child and I'll show you a liar. It was just that I loved him so much that I couldn't bear to be parted from him...even by death. If I was going to die, he was going to die too, and I was so depressed, I just couldn't live any longer. I already talked for quite some time about my depression. At any rate, it's devotion, not cruelty.

Besides, I thought that everyone was going to die anyways. I was afraid the city would be taken and the orcs would torture him. I couldn't leave him to undergo such pain!

So now you know that I'm really a pretty nice guy. At least I didn't do anything mean or wicked. Please say you like me now...please?

-Denethor

**A/N (by Denethor): Certain of the lines ("nobody warned me those palantir things were addictive" and "parents are only human! You show me a parent who hasn't thought of burning up his child and I'll show you a liar.") in the above Defense do not belong to me. They were suggested by TommyGinger, and were used by permission. Thank you TG! They completely summed it up!**

**P/N: Hey guys! I put together a list of things for you to do today! Here it is:**

**Review this story. Tell me what you liked about it, what you didn't like, and what (and who) you want to see in the future. I'm always desperate for suggestions.**

**Follow/Fav this story (optional). Way more of you have reviewed this story than have favourite or followed it. Really, don't you want to be able to remember where it is?**

**Read and review some of my other stories. I have 8 stories up right now. If you like what I've written here, you should check into them.**

**Take my poll. Before I post the next chapter of this story, I will have taken down my present poll (Which Lord of the Rings character are you most like? A parody of all my favourite and least favourite characters). So if you haven't taken it...take it. Now! Please?**

**Okay, so here are some things you should never do under ANY condition:**

**Review Middle Earth: Its Mental Condition by Lily lindsey-aubery. You can read it if you want, but DON'T review it. Please. She and I are having a contest on which story can get more reviews...this one and the one I already named. Obviously, I'm going for my own.**

**Okay, and here is an unofficial poll. Respond via reviews and PMs.**

**Whose defenses do you want to see in future?**

**Saruman**

**Grima Wormtongue**

**Gollum**

**Frodo**

**Sam**

**Shelob**

**Aragorn**

**Other (you name him)**

**Please get back to me, and thanks for reading!**

**Yet Another Note: This is what belongs to time2read:**

**The idea that Denethor has been battling depression since his wife died. (Notably the line 'I've been battling depression ever since my wife died, and it's not like we had any meds back then to cure it. How would you feel if you wife died and you had a country to rule and two sons to raise on top of it all?')**

**The Palantir made him depressed. (Notably the line 'When I looked into the Palantir I had what you might call a front row seat on the misery of the world around me.')**

**Everybody else had their little magic tool.**

**He wanted Faramir to defy him.**

**He wanted to protect Faramir from being tortured from orcs (and so tried to kill him).**

**Thanks, time2read...great ideas!**


	7. Chapter 7: Shelob

**And the Winner is...oh, that's right...you guys can already tell from the title...but this has to be dramatic, right? So, the Winner is: Shelob! Yay! Everybody give her a round of applause. Congratulations, Shelob! **

**The close runner up was Grima Wormtongue, with Frodo just behind him. Thank you all for letting me know your opinion...and i****f you voted for someone else, don't sit down in a flood of tears...he'll probably get up here soon. Just not quite yet. Keep nagging me, and you'll probably eventually get what you want.**

**If you enjoyed my little character poll, let me know. If enough people want me to, I may do it again at the end of the next chapter.**

**P/N: This document...you know, I wonder if anyone ever reads this part. I seriously doubt it. So, just to do something different...I'm leaving it out. And if you really loved this paragraph and thought it was really epic or something, tell me, and maybe I'll put it in the next chapter. But until then, forget it. You all know the drill. Let's get on with the fun stuff.**

**Thank you, **CloveClove, TimeyWimeyGirl, Melkor'sOnlyLieutenant, ccgaylord, MOSObsessed, tommyginger, **and **LuthienThranduillion **for reviewing, and everyone else for PMing me. ** CloveClove**, Denethor says the films did indeed do him a grave injustice, but he's so glad you don't hate him in spite of it all. It would be fun to hear Grima's Defense, but count me out of your 'everybody'...I kind of like him. **TimeyWimeyGirl**, I hope to hear from Saruman some time soon as well...he's awesome. So keep an eye out. ** Melkor'sOnlyLieutenant**, Denethor says constructive criticism sound like a good idea to him too. And he's so glad you like him better now. The reason he committed suicide in the first place was cause he couldn't endure all the negative publicity he was getting and people telling him "ah! Die already!" (Oh didn't that make you feel sad...or happy.) Poor guy. **Ccgaylord**, Denethor says thank you for all your loyal support through the years. And he said its so true...parents always get blamed for everything. If their sons are jerks (like Faramir, publisher's two cents), they get blamed for doing something wrong. If their sons are awesome (like Boromir, more publisher's two cents) they get blamed for not doing enough for them. It's so unfair. And I love your ideas...especially Arwen.** MOSObsessed**, Denethor says he's so glad you're sorry for him, and yes, he is cute. Though I'm surprised at how many people like him. And since Grima and Frodo came in second and third, they'll probably write in soon. :D** Tommyginger**, thanks for supporting my noble cause. I'm so glad you like this idea and the way I present it! And, as they say, beauty (or fruitiness) is in the eyes of the beholder. Faramir is sensitive about his looks, but he was so comforted to know you don't think he's fruity. And I love all your ideas. Your suggestions and the suggested lines you send me are absolutely brilliant! Can't wait to use these awesome ideas. **LuthienThranduillion,** Grima was very popular on my little poll, so keep an eye out. And, personally, I want to hear from Aragorn too...all these other people who are writing defenses keep saying mean things about him. So I think he'll be up here at some point...keep reading! Denethor was so excited to hear about the fan club...so excited he was dancing around the white tree, laughing maniacally. And he's so glad you like him. And no, he wasn't abusive. The words are constructive criticism and devotion. Thanks again, all of you! I was so excited about the amount of feedback I received! :D**

**Sorry how short this is...spiders don't like to waste words, and Shelob wouldn't make it any longer.**

Shelob

My name is Shelob. People say I'm evil. I'm not.

I never did anything very bad. I only stung Frodo. I didn't kill him. I didn't eat him. I just stung him.

It was his fault. He shouldn't have been in my lair. He shouldn't have been going to Mordor. He shouldn't have been trying to destroy the ring. People who do foolish things that they shouldn't be doing shouldn't complain when they get hurt.

A spider's life is hard. I was hungry. I needed something to eat. No orcs had come near me for a long time. Orcs are nasty anyways. But I had to eat something. Frodo looked tasty. He looked juicy. He looked scrumptious.

But I didn't eat him. I let him live. I was merciful.

And what did I get for it? I was brutally assaulted. I was stabbed. I was hurt so bad that I didn't heal for two weeks. I was scared so bad that I stayed in my deepest cave for two months.

I am innocent. All evil was on the part of Frodo and Sam. Or maybe indirectly on the part of Gandalf and Galadriel. I was falsely accused. Please know that I am not evil. Thank you.

-Shelob

**P/N: Here's a new list of things to do.**

**Review. Again. I know this gets old. But, please. For my sake. Or the sake of this story. Whichever you prefer. Tell me what you liked, what you didn't like, and especially who you want represented in the future. I really love your suggestions, and more reviews always make me happy. :D**

**Read and review the rest of my stories. If you haven't already. Though I love this story and am having lots of fun with it, I'm always surprised at how much attention it got compared to some other stuff which I think infinitely superior.**

**Take my poll. I have a new one up! Go take it, and PM me if you think of another answer that would be cool if it had. Btw, the top choice on the 'Which character in LOTR are you most like?' poll was Sam. Yup. We have too many clingy, sentimental, persistent people around here. Oh well. At least they're everybody's best friends at the same time!**

**Thanks all! You guys are so awesome.**


	8. Chapter 8: Grima Wormtongue

**P/N: Sorry for taking so long to get the next chapter up.**

**Thanks to **tommyginger, time2read, ScribeofHeroes, Melkor'sOnlyLuietenant, mystiKoE, LuthienThranduillion, CloveClove, and Zane's Girlfriend** for reviewing. **Tommyginger**, Shelob says thanks, but she's not interested. She is quite happy where she is at the moment. Though she put down the names in her memorandum book, just in case the future isn't so bright. **Time2read**, I'm glad you liked the first chapter, and you will be happy to know that I am working on some revisions of some of my others. **ScribeofHeroes**, the Nazgul say no, no one ever tried to save them. It's so sad. And the Nazgul in question, (#4) says he became a hermit several years before he became a Ring Wraith, so no one ever knew about it. Boromir says he's so relieved to hear they learned something. But the Witch King says that all that about saving uncles is nonsense. Theoden died anyways. Shelob says maybe she was going to eat Frodo, but you hit it on the nose when you said Frodo looked better than orc...much better. She chooses to maintain a discreet silence on the subject of her present diet. But she is not going hungry. And she really doesn't mind things that fight back, so long as they don't have little bottles of light. **Melkor'sOnlyLuietenant**, Shelob says you are 100% correct on all points. And she gets much better food than orcs these days. **MystiKoE**, Boromir was so relieved to hear it! **LuthienThranduillion**, Shelob says yes, she had just as much right to eat Frodo as a normal spider does to eat a fly. **CloveClove**, Shelob always welcomes hugs, but, from me to you, PLEASE be careful...I wouldn't want one of my favourite reviewers to get eaten! **Zane's Girlfriend**, here you go!**

Grima Wormtongue

Hello. I'm Grima Wormtongue. I just wanted to say that no one really appreciates me for who I am. Everybody seems to think I'm some kind of epic villain or something, but in reality I'm a pretty nice guy.

Some people accuse me of chasing Eowyn around all the time and trying to trick her into liking me. But my affection for her was of a purely brotherly sort. I felt sorry for her...she had so much to go through. Her cousin dying, her awful uncle, and her HORRIBLE brother. Eomer was such a bad brother to her...I just wanted to make up for him and be kind to her the way he _should_ have been. Aragorn chased her around in a fatherly manner...what's wrong with a brotherly one? Aragorn always gets off the hook too easily.

Some people dislike me because I basically banished Eomer...but it was entirely his fault! After all, he threatened me..he was endangering my life. I had to send him away, before he hurt me or something. Besides, he was so mean to Eowyn, I wanted to protect her from him as well. He was always making fun of her, and was way too overly protective. He wouldn't let anyone so much as look at her. If you averted your eyes from his, and she was in the general direction your eyes averted to, he would start threatening you with a 'too long have you watched my sister' spiel, when you had only been looking at her for a second! I only wanted to get her out from under his negative influence.

Also, people say it was wrong of me to make Theoden do whatever I told him to. But I was only doing it because I had to. Saruman told me to, and if you don't know what Saruman does to those who disobey him, then be glad. HOPEFULLY he would have killed me eventually. Less lucky if he let me live. Anyways, I didn't have any choice in the matter. And Theoden was a lousy king anyhow. He was always making majorly bad decisions. Like retreating to Helmsdeep. And riding for Gondor. I was so much smarter.

I hear there is also a small group of people, including Gandalf, who think that I shouldn't have stabbed Saruman. But he was evil. He deserved to die. And if I hadn't killed him, he would still be up in Orthanc, or else wreaking havoc on the Shire. Somebody had to do it...to the tell the truth, I think it was rather heroic of me to rid the world of such a filthy villain. Gandalf was to goody-goody to let Legolas shoot him (though nobody complained when he shot me), so I had to be the one to do it...it was my destiny.

So, as you can see by now, I'm actually a nice person. Not a villain anyways. And I hope you are ready to accept me now.

-Grima

**P/N: Please review, everyone...**Middle Earth: Its Mental Condition** is ahead right now, due to the fact that I haven't posted in so long. I need your help to catch up! Keep reading my other stories, my favourite stories, and other stuff by my favourite authors! If you haven't taken my poll, please do! Thanks for reading, and remember to tell me who you want to hear from!**


	9. Chapter 9: Eowyn

**P/N: Here I am again. Thanks to all who reviewed. I believe I am beginning to catch up, but am still farther behind than I would like to be. So please keep on R&Ring. :D **Tommyginger**, Grima says it is always Aragorn's fault, when it isn't Eomer's, which isn't often. And that Eomer was a lot more than a smidge overprotective. And that he has no idea what Game of Thrones is, but if it made you think Eomer was a jerk, than it sounds like a great film. He's going to look it up on Google. **2MFreidmanFreak**, I don't think there is any danger that you would ever like Aragorn. There isn't any danger that I would. Though I thought the same thing about Faramir, before he sent me his defence. And Grima says you're so nice, and he did survive, and there's probably a story about how he did, though I haven't run against it yet. **Melkor'sOnlyLuietenant**, how DARE you hate Eomer? He's awesome. And he reminds me of Thor. And Grima reminds me of Loki. Yes, I know, I'm paranoid. Anyways, Grima says you're quite right to hate Eomer (but he's wrong) and that he's glad you agree that he was right to kill Saruman. Sauron says he's been busy trying to find a lawyer so he can sue Frodo, and the Witch King says lately he and the other Nazgul have been partying in the tombs. (Btw, I just saw Desolation of Smaug for the first time last night. So excited! But I was kind of disappointed in it. Tauriel is ugly, Legolas is fat, and Thranduil isn't as creepy as I expected him to be. T_T) **The witch cat warg**, thank you for your concern. **CloveClove**, haha, yes, Grima is such a kind person. He says so himself. (Btw, have you read **The Uruk-Hai Wannabe** by** Lily Lindsey-Aubery**? Grima is a very kind person in that story.) **Time2Read**, I'm so glad you liked it better! I told Grima to write it with you in mind, and to make it nice and long, though it was still shorter than I wuld have liked. Grima is so upset that you never liked him (and I'm surprised...who wouldn't like nice little Grima) but he'll get over it. And great ideas! I'll keep them in mind! **Ccgaylord**, Grima said he forgot about that one, but yes, he is a hero! As you can see, he was totally helping the good guys the whole time. **Annafan**, so glad you liked it! Umm...maybe indirectly. She actually was the original person to suggest Grima, and she did suggest a line which I accidentally forgot to remind him to use...but I don't think she said anything about overly protective brothers. Great ideas! **ScribeofHeroes**, Grima says that he understands, but in reality, Saruman was only going to tell Gandalf a lie about Sauron's plans. And Grima knows Saruman better than anyone else. And yes, it was entirely useless of Legolas to shoot him. He learned that from his dad. He would have told you 'There was nothing more he could have told me,' etc. etc. And Grima can't help it if he's creepy. It's just that he's so hideous. And brothers shouldn't be that way. (Grima said that...not the publisher. Personally, I agree with you.) **Suspicion's Curiousity**, Grima is surpried at it himself sometimes, he says. **Deathweaver**, Boromir says his least favourite method of transportation is his own two feet, but helicopter is his second least. And good idea! I'll keep it in mind. Thanks again, everyone!**

Eowyn

All right, my name is Eowyn, and it's about time someone straightened out all you people.

First of all, I am NOT a homewrecker. Aragorn explicitly told me that the woman who had given him the necklace had left for Valinor. I assumed, from the statement and from his later behaviour, that he was seeking to find another woman who could fill her place. After all, he was constantly chasing me around, giving me sentimental glances, etc. Even Uncle Theoden thought he was in love with me. Everybody did. It wasn't me chasing him...it was him flirting with me. He completely led me on.

What do you expect of a girl? I was getting unquestionably old. The only guy who would look at me twice, besides Aragorn, was Grima, and there was no way I was going to marry that creep...not if he was the last man on earth. In fact, pretty much the only decent guy in Edoras was Eomer, and he doesn't count. So when an arguably handsome guy (hey, he got to be a actor, after all) comes along, gives you a couple of melancholy, sappy glances, how do you help falling head over heels for him? I'm quite willing to admit it...I was desperate. But you probably knew that already. Nobody who wasn't desperate would think twice about Aragorn. That's why he got Arwen in the end. After living several hundred years with no offers, she was definitely desperate.

And besides all that, Arwen wasn't even in the book except as a small footnote. How was I supposed to know that she and Aragorn were engaged in the first place?

Second, why on Middle Earth does everybody seem to think it was so awful of me to go along with Uncle Theoden and the Rohirrim? I'll bet my uncle would be singing a different story if I HAD stayed home and knit him a pair of mittens and he had been eaten by a horrible monster! Of course, he died anyways, but at least I was with him in his last moments.

Eomer is always complaining that I afforded him a whole lot of trauma, but he completely deserved what he got. Take that for saying war is men's work! I proved I was just as good a soldier as him...I even killed the Witch King, with only a little bit of help from Merry. From now on, Eomer had better be more careful what he says. If he isn't, he'll have quite a bit more trauma.

Third, people shouldn't complain that my affections kept switching from one recipient to another, rather rapidly. As I said, I was desperate. Faramir was as good a choice as Aragorn, except for the fact that he wasn't heir to a king. At least he didn't have another girl somewhere. And no one complains about the inconsistency of Aragorn's affections.

At first he was in love with Arwen. Then, as soon as he thinks she's sailed away and he can't marry her any more, he goes after me. And then, when he hears that she came back, he drops me and goes back to Arwen! Seriously, what a jerk! And they're still talking about me switching to Faramir as soon as Aragorn says he can't marry me. Speak of discrimination.

So that's about it...now you've got the real story. Not but that you couldn't have figured out all that by yourself if you had tried. Honestly, you guys can't seem to see beyond the ends of your own noses.

-Eowyn

**P/N: This idea and a lot of the material was suggested by **tommyginger**. Notably, the lines 'I bet (my uncle) would be singing a different story if I HAD stayed home and knit him a pair of mittens and he had been eaten by a horrible monster!' and '...Arwen wasn't even in the book except as a small footnote.' belong to her. Eowyn used it at my suggestion, by permission. Thanks TG!**

**Please continue to review and PM me, everybody! I appreciate it!**


	10. Chapter 10: SSOSO

**P/N: Thanks to all who reviewed and PMed. **Annafan**, I'm glad you enjoyed this. I can't help but disagree when you say Eowyn is the best woman in the book by a long shot...I would have to say that, in the book, Arwen is best. Simply because she is in there the least. But Eowyn is the best girl in the movie, though I still don't care for her much. Don't tell her that I said that though, or she might withdraw her defence from my book. Yes, Aragorn is horrible, but I can't agree that Faramir is much of an improvement. Though he's a lot more tolerable in the book than in the movie. He used to be one of my favourite characters before I watched the film.** ScribeofHeroes**, eowyn says thanks. It's so nice to be understood.**** And Grima completely understands what you mean. He realizes that he is getting a little old and...um...unattractive. And Eowyn is easy to get along with. He just does whatever she tells him to. He's such a puppet. If nothing else, she just tells him that doing what she wants is also known as proving his quality. But she begs you not to tell him about her little strategy. He might react for once in his life. **Melkor'sOnlyLuietenant**, I can't believe you think eowyn is cool, but whatever. She was flattered. And Aragorn is the jerkiest jerk you can get. Excepting maybe Faramir. **CloveClove**, see above, and yes, it was pretty awful of her to kill the Witch King. Unfortunately, I couldn't make her see that...she refused to explain why she did it. She said it went without saying. **CrazyPPgirl**, I'm afraid I can't give you Sauron's answer to your review. He's sulking in his room right now and wont let anyone in, answer texts, telephone, or e-mail, or talk to me when I shout through the key hole. He's just really depressed. And I'm glad you enjoy their ridiculous excuses. Boromir was rather indignant when I read him your review. He said he was always good...what's this about becoming good when he died? And no...please keep reviewing on the publisher's notes, everybody! I love getting feedback on them. Grima says that you're probably right about it's being Legolas's fault, but he still doesn't feel to charitable towards Gandalf. But who can blame him? It was Gandalf who got him thrown out of Edoras. And yeah, it kind of creeps me out too. Grima keeps assuring me he's not dead, but I don't know... Yes! I finally found someone who got it! OK, everybody. Epic reveal. The whole reason I got these random people to write defences for me was not so that everybody would start liking them, but to show how epically lame these characters actually are. When people started reviewing to say they loved Faramir I gaped. When they said they completely agreed with Grima and the rest, I burst out laughing. When you finally said that this didn't make you want to side with Eowyn, I all but jumped up and down in glee. Honestly, I thought all these defences were terribly lacking in common sense and logic. Oh well. Oh, and all that said, of all the people to write defences for me, I personally thought Eowyn had some of the best excuses. Lol. Though she did come across really annoying in my opinion. Oh, and by the way, everybody, do keep sending me those reviews anyways. As I said, they make me laugh, and my employees really appreciate them as well. :D **Ccgaylord**, I texted Faramir to ask him your question, but he hasn't gotten back to me. Don't know what's up. I'll let you know when I finally get an answer.**

**My employees sent me a very unusual defense today (honestly, what is the Secret Society of Surviving Orcs?) but I decided to post it anyways. If you find it too disturbing or conducive to nightmares, let me know and I may be able to edit it a bit.**

Minutes of the board meeting of the Secret Society of Surviving Orcs. May 30, 2014.

Shagrat (president and head of Cirith Ungol branch): The meeting will now come to order.

Gorbag (treasurer): But I want some more punch!

Shagrat: You've already had enough, slug! I said the meeting will now come to order!

Grishnahk (secretary): We should put it to a vote!

Shagrat: No we shouldn't! I said the meeting will come to order and it will come to ORDER!

(Silence)

Shagrat: I wish to present to the board a job offer I received...

Gothmog (head of Morgul branch): Sauron is back?!

Shagrat: Will you just be quiet!

(Silence)

Shagrat: I have received a job offer from a person called **OneSizeFitsAll**. He wants us to right up a paper defending misunderstood orcs.

Gorbag: Like me. (sniffs)

Shagrat: I move that we put this matter to a vote.

Grishnakh: Yes, yes! A vote!

Ugluk (head of Orthanc branch): (cuffing Grishnakh) You're supposed to say 'I second the motion', filthy maggot!

Grishnakh: (sweetly like the sweet little orc that he is...(Ugluk cuffs him again and tells him to get on with it)) I second the motion.

Shagrat: All in favour of accepting this job offer say 'Aye'!

(The vote is carried unanimously.)

Gorbag: What are we supposed to defend them about?

Shagrat: You start, slug. Why did you steal my nice, shiny shirt?

Gorbag: (smiling unsweetly) Because it wasn't yours!

Shagrat: (grabbing sword) Since when do you tell me what's mine and what isn't?

Gothmog: Break it up boys!

Shagrat: Who's president of this society? You or me?

Gorbag: (glances over Grishnakh's shoulder and shrieks) You filthy centipede! How dare you say such a thing about me! (brandishes knife)

Gothmog: (holds him back and prevents the murder of the secretary)

Ugluk: What did he say?

Gorbag: (squealing) He said I smiled!

Grishnakh: (bravely) Well didn't you?

Gorbag: Of course not! I bared my fangs!

Shagrat: ORDER!

(Silence)

Shagrat: All right then. Let's do this properly. Ugluk, why did you kidnap Merry and Pippin?

Ugluk: Master's orders.

Grishnakh: Ha! You didn't obey your master when it came to taking them to him!

Ugluk: Hold your tongue. My master is Saruman, not some Mordor rats!

Gorbag: Our master is the Great Eye. The hobbits should have gone to him, along with everything else!

Ugluk: I said I would serve Saruman and I did. You can't get on a fellow for keeping his word.

Grishnakh: You can when his word is bad in the first place.

Ugluk: How did this worm get into this board meeting in the first place?

Grishnakh: I'm the secretary.

Ugluk: Mr. President, I move that the secretary be replaced.

Shagrat: So it is your opinion that it was right to kidnap Merry and Pippin as you were under orders?

Ugluk: (looking ugly, as always) Correct.

Shagrat: Grishnakh, please refrain from inserting derogatory remarks in parentheses.

(Ugluk glares at poor, innocent Grishnakh)

Shagrat: Grishnakh, why did you try to kill Merry and Pippin?

Ugluk: (snarling) And why did you let them get away?

Grishnakh: You're one to talk! I was the only one who noticed them creeping away when the rest of you were gorging yourselves!

Shagrat: Answer my question, not his!

Grishnakh: If I had let them live, Ugluk would have taken them to Saruman, and Saruman would have become the next Dark Lord, and would have overthrown Sauron. I was merely going to take the ring to Sauron, where it belonged!

Ugluk: Oh yes? Tolkien said differently. Tolkien said you were going to keep it for yourself!

(Grishnakh snarls at Ugluk) (I didn't! Ugluk just stole my pen and wrote that to spite me!)

Shagrat: And now, Gorbag, tell me in a gentlemanly, reasonable manner, just why you stole my shirt. And I want a good, logical argument, or your dead. It would be easy to find a new treasurer.

Gorbag: (hissing and spitting in an ungentlemanly manner...more like catly manner) If I hadn't taken it, you would have kept it, and then the Eye would have killed us both!

Shagrat: You should have kept your hands off that shiny shirt! It was mine!

Gorbag: It went to the Great Eye. Along with...

Gothmog: Yeah, yeah, we've heard this before.

(Gorbag snarls viciously)

Shagrat: All right, Gothmog. Your turn. Why did you attack Osgiliath?

Gothmog: What kind of a question is that? It was war! What did you want me to do...attack the desert?

Gorbag: (sniggering) Oh yeah. And why did you step out of the way of that huge rock when you'd just told your men to hold their ground? A coward, eh?

Gothmog: (growling) And if I had died, what then? The army would have dispersed and we would have had to go try to attack Minas Tirith all over again!

Shagrat: OK. There you have it. A nice, illogical defence.

Grishnakh: Hey! What about you?

Shagrat: I didn't do anything wrong!

Gorbag: Oh yes? What about trying to keep the shirt for yourself?

Shagrat: That wasn't wrong! I deserved it! I'd had nothing but useless leather armour for three stinkin' years!

Gorbag: And I suppose you think your the only one!

Shagrat: So that was your plan! To take it for yourself!

(Gorbag and Shagrat start fighting, Gothmog unsuccessfully attempts to break it up, accidentally adding another scar to his collection in the process. Ugluk just stares over Grishnakh's shoulder at the page, looking very ugly.)

Grishnakh: Ouch!

(Ugluk has punched the poor, innocent Grishnakh for absolutely no good reason. He is now about to engage him in mortal combat so the board meeting minutes must be concluded here.)

-Shagrat, Gorbag, Ugluk, Grishnakh, and Gothmog. (Yes, they survived the movie. Don't ask me how.)


	11. Chapter 11: Saruman

**P/N: Hi all! Thanks for reading again, and thank you, thank you, thank you, for reviewing on my former chapters! **2MFreidmanFreak**, Eowyn says he told her it was good. And did you want her to let him starve to death? It was better than nothing (hopefully - publisher's two cents), besides, it was good for him...it was a very healthy recipe. And to your other comment, Gothmog says he is indeed sweet. **TimeyWimeyGirl**, what happened? Did you have a fit? XD And thanks for taking time away from all the things you need to do to review my story. I feel so special! **Ccgaylord**, oh yes! Far more then five orcs survived...that was just the board of the society...and from what I hear, I believe many of the members of the board played hookie. Not that I blame them. It sounds quite dangerous to go to those board meetings! **Melkor'sOnlyLieutenant**, the orcs say yes, aren't they lovable? Especially me! (that was from Grishnakh) Just so long as you don't hint they're pretty, or anything like that... Aaah! No Gorbag, I didn't say you were pretty! **ScribeofHeroes**, that's a good point. Such a good point, in fact, that I asked the orcs about it. They say that slaughtering each other on every bend isn't a problem, because they never die. They always manage to come back to life. Like stinkbugs. (Hmmm...I was wondering how they survived their board meeting.) And Grishnakh says thanks, isn't he such a good secretary? (Uh oh...I'm about to have an orc battle in my living room.) **CloveClove**, the orcs completely agree with you (except Gorbag insists he isn't cute). They all hate elves...nasty creatures who are always hunting them down and shooting them for no reason. **CrazyPPGirl**, the orcs say that's exactly it. And they're proud of it. **Time2read**, I'm glad you liked it! (So is Eowyn.) And Eowyn is so relieved she finally got a guy...though Faramir does have his drawbacks.**

**And here it is.**

Saruman

Recently it has come to my attention that I am often viewed as a dangerous villain by readers and watchers of the Lord of the Rings. In order to dispel this atrocious myth, I have set about to write out a logical and reasonable defence, and have even gone so far as to submit it to **OneSizeFitsAll** as an extension of his great and celebrated work. It is to be hoped that upon reading this defence, you will come to understand my true character and motives, which, I can, and will, assure you, are far from villainous.

I believe that one of the areas where I am most often condemned, and, therefore, it would be most worthwhile to give an explanation of, is the area of my alliance with the Dark Lord Sauron. Long before the ring was found, I had told Sauron that I served him. This was a lie. In fact, telling this lie was the worst thing I ever did.

Lying is considered wrong by some, but I did it for a good purpose. I was growing worried over some unusual developments that were taking place in Middle Earth. Lady Galadriel said that all was not right as it had been, and, for once, I agreed with her. I felt sure the evil had returned. And with my Palantir, I found myself to be right, and even found the great Eye.

I considered confronting him, battling with him, and telling Galadriel and Gandalf of what I had discovered, but I eventually decided on a wiser course of action. I knew we could not defeat so strong an enemy with outright war. And, you must remember, at this time, I had no knowledge that the ring still existed in Middle Earth. Therefore, I decided the best thing to do was to trick Sauron.

I sought him out, and told him that I would obey him, that I was his servant. He believed me. He trusted me as much as he could trust anyone, and he told me much of his plans and schemes. I recorded this information, and kept it, in order to betray him to his enemies when the time came.

When the Ents besieged my tower and Gandalf and Theoden came knocking on my doors, I thought the time had come. I was about to tell them all I knew of Sauron's plans. But, unfortunately, I was stopped. I was stabbed by my own servant, and thus prevented from giving my friends valuable information which would have helped us end the war and cast Sauron out forever.

You may wonder, then, why I imprisoned Gandalf in my tower. Sauron's Eye was ever on me, watching my every move. I could do nothing without him seeing. I could not risk at that early time to have him distrust me and to let him know where my true loyalties lay. I was forced to put Gandalf in my tower, and to act as though it was my will to keep him there. Of course I knew he would escape on an eagle. Which is why I put him on the roof where he could have easy access to one when it came. I did it cleverly so as Sauron would never suspect.

I had much the same reasons for cutting down Fangorn. Sauron commanded me to, and at that point it was too early to disobey him. I had more information to collect. The same thing with tricking Theoden, attacking Helmsdeep, etc. Spies occasionally have to do bad things to convince the people they are spying on that they're on their side.

A few very eccentric people are upset that I beat up Grima. They apparently do not understand that evil people must be punished. Grima was an wicked traitor, and deserved everything I gave him, except for his food and shelter.

In conclusion, all that I did had an logical, innocent reason. I am no villain, but a hero, who died for his cause.

-Saruman

**Note: The idea for this chapter was based off of a suggestion from **TommyGinger**. Unfortunately, Saruman was unable to work in her line, but we would still like to recognize her.**

**P/N: I want to let you guys know, I just did a massive revision on Chapter 6: Denethor. Or, that is, Denethor did. You may want to go back and take a look at the new version. :)**

**Please review, everybody!**


	12. Chapter 12: Merry and Pippin

**P/N: Hi everybody! Sorry for the delay. I'm getting kind of depressed with this story, now that my review competition is gone. Everybody: go tell **Lily Lindsey-Aubery** to keep writing **Middle Earth: Its Mental Condition**. Thanks.**

TimeyWimeyGirl**, Saruman says he knows...nobody knew he was a spy until now. It was such a lonely existence. He's so happy that he has that off his chest, now. **Melkor'sOnlyLieutenant**, Saruman is in the Halls of Mandos now, where he indulges his love of writing and invention. And he says his reasons are better because they are true, which the movies/books are not. **Elglor Stargold**, you are very welcome. Some one had to stand up for them, didn't he? **CloveClove**, sorry about the slow updates! And I'm glad you liked it. :D **MagicWords1**, glad you liked it! And Faramir was SO overly excited when I showed him your review. Between you and me, I think he suffers from some kind of inferiority complex or something...he's always so surprised people like him. And that they don't think he looks fruity. And that they love his Aussie accent. I probably don't help his self esteem. **Ccgaylord**, actually, he has. A lot of books. Check out your local library. Or maybe even this site...though I don't know about that. **Dragonsire13**, Eowyn, **tommyginger**, and I all say thanks. At least, I assume **TG** says thanks...I didn't check with her, though I did tell her about your review. **ScribeofHeroes**, a short message from Saruman: '_I know...wasn't it believable? I was planning to share my information as soon as I found out where Sauron's great offensive was going to strike. I found out just before Gandalf and Theoden came to threaten me, and was going to tell all just when Grima stabbed me. Yes, if Sauron had commanded me to murder someone or something, I would have disobeyed. As it was, all the bad things I did at his command, I knew Gandalf could easily put right. I was planning on locking the halflings up on top of Orthanc, where Gandalf would undoubtedly send an eagle for them. Middle Earth is never beyond saving. If nothing else, the Valar could have come and chained up Sauron in the void with his master. It was impossible for me to have a contact. As I have already mentioned, the Eye was always upon me and if I had given any information to even one other person he would have killed me before I found out the vital information we needed to win. And I'm so glad you asked all those questions. I appreciate your interest and recognize you for who you are, someone who, like me, is determined to know the absolute truth.'_ Hope that suffices! **LathielStormblade**, aw...thanks! Sauron says he knows...no one can sympathize with an Eye...oh dear, now he's crying. Seriously, have you ever seen a big red Eye hanging on a tower _crying_? I'm in hysterics right now. About Faramir...see my response to **MagicWords1. **MOS says he really wishes he could afford tooth paste, but it just isn't possible. Do you want to donate some? Send it to this address: MOS Black Gate Mordor, ME. That should do it. The Nazgul say it's the rings that make them greedy, and they really aren't jerks...they're just misunderstood. And Boromir was so pumped to hear about your pledge. He's bragging about it all over men's equivalent of Valinor. And thanks for flooding me with reviews! I really appreciate it! :D****  
**

**And without further ado, let me present:**

Merry and Pippin

Merry: Hi! I'm Merry!

Pippin: And I'm Pippin!

Both: Have we got a show for you!

Pippin: We heard we are being savagely attacked by certain people and being called completely brain dead.

Merry: And they'd be right about you Pip. And I thought I told you I'd be doing the narrating.

Pippin: I forgot.

Merry: Well, remember then. (turns to the audience and resumes his sunny smile) Some people think we're bad, because we stole vegetables from Farmer Maggot. But he had million of vegetables...he wasn't going to miss a couple of carrots!

Pippin: Besides, Mom said I was supposed to eat vegetables! They're good for you!

Merry: (coughs loudly) As Pippin said, vegetables are good for you. Therefore, it can't be bad to eat a couple when you happen to be passing through your neighbor's property.

Pippin: And Farmer Maggot should be more hospitable than to begrudge us a few vegetables!

Merry: Would you cut it out? Next: Frodo (and a few others who will remain nameless) keep bugging us about lighting that fire on top of Weather Top. But you have to remember, we didn't know the Black Riders would see the fire...we thought they couldn't see. Whenever we had encountered them before, they hadn't looked around...only sniffed. It would have helped if Strider...

Pippin: Aragorn!

Merry: Aragorn, the Dunedain, King Ellesar, what ever you want to call him...had told us a little about them and their abilities rather than adopting the elf-style attitude of 'we will not talk of dark things here'. Where on Middle Earth would we be allowed to talk about them? And if we never talked about them, how were we supposed to know not to attract them by lighting fires, etc.? Besides all that...

Pippin: Besides all that, it was Sam's idea in the first place.

Merry: Exactly! I don't know why we're always the ones who get blamed.

Pippin: Neither do I!

Merry: No, Pip, I didn't mean you...I know why you always get blamed.

Pippin: Than who is 'we'?

Merry: Me and my shadow. And stop talking. Now, I am going to give a personal defense about why I rode with the Rohirrim...even when Theoden told me not to. I had pledged the King my sword. I had to go with him to protect him and to fight alongside him. And just think if I hadn't! The Witch King would still be alive, and Theoden would be dead. And so would Eowyn. And probably Eomer. I completely saved the day! Wasn't it a good thing I disobeyed Theoden?

Pippin: Ok, my turn now. I'm going to defend myself about saving Faramir, because that was the closest thing to anything bad I ever did. I'm the greatest hobbit ever, in reality, because everyone else did awful stuff like riding with the Rohirrim, and beating up Gollum, and refusing to destroy the Ring, and Bilbo killed an innocent little albino land lobster (or whatever that thing was), and the only bad thing I did was save Faramir.

Merry: Can you just get to the point?

Pippin: Anyways, when I saved Faramir, I thought I was doing something good. He had tricked me into thinking he was some kind of White Knight. I had no idea, when I saved him, that he had tried to steal the ring, and had beaten up Gollum, and was a complete jerk, and was going to trick poor, innocent (or not so innocent) Eowyn into marrying him and hanging up her sword. I thought I was saving a great Captain of Gondor. That was how he always made himself to be when I was around.

Merry: Ok, you used up your time. My turn again. As you can see, we're two little (if you want to call us little. We're actually quite big for hobbits. Even bigger than Bullroarer Took. I think) heroes...not the stupid little tag-alongs everybody seems to think we are.

-Merriadoc Brandybuck and Peregrin Took

**Note: Thanks to **tommyginger **for suggesting that I have Merry and Pippin write a defense about why they lit a fire on Weather Top.**

**P/N: Sorry about the Veggie Tales quote...I couldn't make them take it out. I wondered what they were doing in my living room all last night... **

**Please review! Oh, and go take my brand new poll. It isn't really complete...I had lots of great ideas for answers and then forgot them as soon as I started composing it, so if you don't see certain ones there that you think would be funny, don't vote, and PM them to me. Only one specification...no language...even mild stuff. Thanks!**


	13. Chapter 13: Frodo

**P/N: Good news, everybody! My long distance phone call to Valinor FINALLY got through. And Frodo has sent me his defense. He has also promised to ask Bilbo if he'll write one.**

**But before I get ahead of myself, let me respond to all your awesome reviews. Congratulations to **AA - MamaBirdCat** for submitting the 100th review. I am still absolutely blown over to think that that this made it to 100. **Melkor'sOnlyLieutenant**, I am a firm believer in Faramir bashing. And Aragorn bashing. And any other character bashing. Yeah, well, that's Merry for you. Now you know why he's my fourth favourite hobbit. (Followed only by Frodo and Rosie Cotton.) **ScribeofHeroes**, Merry and Pippin say you're an awesome reviewer...and that they wish everyone was like you. (Why did Merry just shoot a weird glance at me? I think it was supposed to be meaningful...) They're also glad you like Veggie Tales quotes. It has been their favourite film since the night before last, and it will promptly cease to be their favourite when I show them Thor: The Dark World tonight. And congrats on Pippin being one of your favourite characters! Join the club! **AA -MamaBirdCat**, I'm so glad you're enjoying this! Sauron says 'Ranting? Who's ranting?" (I think he suffers from short term memory.) Faramir is thrilled, as always. MOS says he's not a nut job (but don't believe him). The Nazgul say thanks for your inspiring advice. They just walked out singing Let It Go. But The Witch King says to tell you that they are neither Men nor babies...they're ringwraiths. Boromir says that of course he doesn't mean to belittle his little brother, it's just that...well, he inherited insanity. Some people like insane people. Boromir does. (I do! I like Denethor!-publisher's two cents) And he says he wishes you were a little boy. Denethor fled the room wailing when I told him about your review. I think he's going to light himself on fire and jump off the white tower. Poor guy. All spiders are evil? Nonsense! Spiders are cute! And Shelob isn't a bad memory...she's my favourite part of the movie. XD Grima says he may be a slime ball, but he's not evil. I'm not sure he knows what a slime ball is... Eowyn says yes, isn't she a lady? I think she directed that last part to me. No, Eowyn, to be honest, I think you're more of a...well, never mind. And I'm glad you liked **tommyginger's **line. I think she's glad too. Oh no, don't get me started on Arwen. Ugh. The SSOSO says that your suggestion is great...they needed jobs. They're going to try to start that freak show. There are plenty of freaks in Middle Earth. Saruman says that some people will never be convinced no matter how many logical arguments are placed before them, once an idea is drummed into their heads by literature and media. That's probably the truest thing he ever said. Merry and Pippin are too busy playing leap frog to tell me what they think of your review. **CloveClove**, yay! Yet another Pippin fan! I'm continually** **surprised by how many there are out there. Merry is still playing leap frog, but if he wasn't, I think he would say that it served the old manifestation right. Silly Merry. **Icprncss2**, Lol. Funny you mentioned that...I happen to love Balrogs. Wish Gandalf hadn't killed the Moria one. Anyhow, I'll see if I can find one to write a defence for me. :)**

**One more thing; this chapter mentions something called the 'Puppet Master'. Basically, this is a video Elijah Wood (the actor for Frodo) making up a crazy dance on some preschool show. If you like really weird videos, you may want to check it out. You can find it on youtube mixed up with the Galadriel and Frodo scene from LOTR. It's under the name, 'The Lord of the Dancey Dance'. Pick the one by** hakuchan345**.**** It has nothing bad in it (except incredible weirdness.) Warning: you will be scarred for life. Everybody who has watched it was. ****(Except for me...unless you count laughing uncontrollably in the middle of the night months after I first saw it as being scarred for life) **

Frodo

My name is Frodo Baggins. I'm abused. I'm abused because I'm little. I'm abused because I have very big, bright, blue eyes and because I look like a girl. I'm abused because I have a girly voice. I'm abused because cave trolls and giant squid and giant spiders and black riders and every other dangerous thing in the entire story goes after me. I'm abused because J. R. R. Tolkien decided to write a three volume trilogy starring me as the protagonist and because Peter Jackson decided to cast me as Elijah Wood. Or cast Elijah Wood as me. Whatever.

Everybody abuses me because of these facts which I can't help. All the people who read the book and watch the movie like to make fun of my beautiful, bright, blue eyes. They like to make fun of my voice. I can't help my eyes...I was born with them. Same thing with my voice. And that was only in the movie, anyways. In the book, I wasn't girly at all. I wasn't an eighteen-year-old wimpy kid, either. Neither was I a complete creep.

They like to make fun of Elijah Wood doing the 'Puppet Master'. Elijah Wood's sins are entirely his own, and not mine. I can't help that he chooses to make a fool of himself on Yo Gabba Gabba. He was probably just desperate for money when he did that, and I personally would never have submitted myself to such indignity..

They also like to make fun of me being attacked by everyone in the whole story. But that's not my fault either. Nothing was my fault. Bilbo gave me the ring, and I was chased by Nazgul. Pippin threw rocks in the water, and an giant squid jumped out and grabbed me. Pippin knocked a bucket into the well and a cave troll impaled me. Gollum tricked me into going through Shelob's lair and Shelob stung (or bit, or whatever that was) _me_! It's always other people's fault, and I'm always the one who gets the brunt of it. And it's not like I enjoy it. It's not like I seek out trouble.

**OneSizeFitsAll** just looked over my shoulder (no, he didn't come visit me in Valinor...we're skyping) and said that people don't mind so much that I get attacked as they mind that I act all wimpy when I do. Huh? I don't get it. A cave troll impales me and I'm supposed to _not_ be hurt? A giant spider stings me and I'm supposed to _not_ crumple to the ground paralyzed? You guys have such unrealistic expectations. I'm a hero...not a superhero! What _did _you want me to do...turn into a big green rage monster and pull them to shreds?

Now for the stuff I actually did do:

First, I put on the ring at Weather Top. I didn't know it was going to make the Nazgul be able to see me though! Up until then, it had always made me invisible. And it was completely Aragorn's fault for not telling me that putting on the ring would make me part of their world ahead of time. Aragorn never told anyone anything. He had to be the know-it-all with all the answers...way too late for the answers to be of any use.

Second, I ran away from Boromir, even after he apologized. I was afraid he was trying to trick me. I knew he wouldn't normally do something like that, he wouldn't normally trick a friend. But the Ring had corrupted him. And for a short time, he was insane. I could not risk the ring going to him, to Gondor. There was to much at stake. I could not go back in the face of so much peril.

Third, I tricked Gollum and never even apologized. I betrayed him to the cruel Faramir, who beat him and treated him cruelly, and then I left all the apologizing to Sam, who's fault it hadn't been in the first place. But if I hadn't tricked him, he would have been shot...you all know that. I over heard Sam apologizing afterwards, and Gollum's acceptance of the apology, and so naturally thought I didn't need to do it myself. I thought everything was taken care of. I thought Gollum had forgiven me. And I really was sorry Faramir had done such awful stuff to him. I just thought he already understood that.

Fourthly, I told Sam to go home. After making him do everything for me, carry my stuff, cook for me when there was anything for us to cook, keep me from wandering off into Minas Morgul, etc, etc, etc, I threw him out. But the real reason I threw him out was not for my own sake, but for his. Let me explain. I knew that the power of the Ring made everyone desire it. I had seen it destroy Boromir. Though I knew that Gollum was lying, I knew there was also a grain of truth in what he said. Sam did desire it, and would desire it more as time went by. It would destroy him, as it had destroyed Boromir...as it had destroyed Gollum, even. I couldn't let that happen to him...he was my best friend. I wanted him to be safe from the power of the Ring. So I told him to go. Not because I didn't trust him, but because I loved him.**  
**

Fifthly, I refused to throw the Ring in the fire. Someone (I shall mention no names) said in the end it was Gollum who saved the day, not me. That is entirely untrue. It was the Ring's fault that I didn't throw it in...some forms of evil are to strong to be defied. The Ring told me not to throw it in, to put it on and run away with it, and I _had_ to obey. I couldn't help it. I bet you couldn't have either. I know Aragorn couldn't have, the good for nothing ranger, and neither could Legolas, despite his being so overly perfect. Gollum didn't save the day...I did! I was the one who knocked him into the lava, wasn't I?

Don't get me wrong...knocking him into Mount Doom was a complete and total accident. But it was an accident on his part as well as mine. It's not like he's some hero because he accidentally fell in, destroying the ring as he went.

I think that's all. And please stop abusing me. It's so unfair. And uncharitable. And... Anyways, **OneSizeFitsAll** is telling me to cut out the wimpy pity partying. I wasn't pity partying! I was just saying. All right, I'm done.

-Frodo Baggins

**Note: Frodo said he wasn't going to mention any names, but I am. **Tommyginger** donated the line 'in the end, it was Gollum who saved the day, not Frodo' and it was used by her permission.**

**P/N: Thanks to everyone who voted on my poll. I will probably be taking it down soon, so if you haven't voted on it, go do it. Those of you who have watched Avengers (or Thor), go to **Ccgaylord**'s profile and vote on his poll. Why? Because I want to know what the popular consensus on the color of Loki's eyes is. I'm burning up with curiousity! Oh, and before you do all that, leave a review below. Thanks!  
**


	14. Chapter 14: Elrond

**P/N: Hi, here we are again! **Deathweaver**, glad to see you back. Saruman says thank you. And you get your wish...here you are! **Melkor'sOnlyLieutenant**, Frodo maintains a snooty silence. Personally, though, I'm with you. And Sauron is awesome. ** ScribeofHeroes**, (btw, have I ever told you that I love your username?) Frodo says he is now your biggest fan. Though of course he disagrees on a few points. But hey (he says) we can't _ all _ be perfect. ** CloveClove**, Frodo says thanks and isn't he always the last to hear anything important? He's so glad he has your pity. My, I'd better hurry up and find that balrog! The problem is, they're all hiding. Thanks for your reviews! I appreciate your regularity. **Ccgaylord**, well, since you like them so much, aren't you glad they got to write a chapter, whether they_ needed_ to or not? :)** Ummm...Frodo** is trying to decide if that last was a compliment or not. He decided it was. He says thanks. **2MFreidmanFreak**, Merry and Pippin say thanks, and you are cool. Faramir says he wasn't imposing on Pippin...He even told him he wasn't a very good soldier. It was Pippin who told him he was strong. Frodo was not cheered up. He keeps fuming 'Third? Only third?' Actually, other people have been telling me to have the ring write one too...don't worry...it's coming. :) **Icprncss2**, great ideas! You'll probably be seeing them soon. :D **MagicWords1**, Merry and Pippin say aren't they cute? And they're so happy to hear you don't think they're brain dead. Personally, they don't think they're brain dead either, but then, brain dead people aren't the greatest at telling whether they are brain dead or not. So they can't be sure. We are all very relieved over all the positive feedback on Veggie Tales...I wasn't sure how that was going to go over. **

**Thanks, all, for your reviews!**

Elrond

Life as a half-elven lord in Imladris is hard, to say the least. For one thing, you get lots and lots of attention. You have to be in every movie, everybody has to write a fan fic about you or with you in it, everybody has to watch all the movies Hugo Weaving acts in...basically, everybody is completely obsessed with you. The obsession is so violent, in fact, that when some insane whacko starts publishing defences by different generally disliked people from Middle Earth, invariably, half a dozen people pop up and ask if I am going to write one. Am I generally disliked? First I heard about it.

In fact, I am probably am one of the most universally well liked elves around today. (If Feanor was still alive, he would cheat me out of that position, I believe, but he isn't, so there you are.) True, I do not have myriads of fan girls swooning at my doorstep like Legolas and Thranduil, but neither do I have huge armies of 'Elrond haters' as Legolas does of Legolas haters. Most people hold me in a sort of friendly regard. They think of me as a nice fellow, and they are a little obsessed with me. There are also some fan girls out there who think I am hot, and fan girl over me and all the rest of it. And finally, there may be a few scattered individuals (though I personally have not come across any) who do not like me...maybe, possibly, even hate me. Not likely though, though I say it who shouldn't.

But as I must necessarily put up some manner of defense for myself, let me start with my eyebrows. My eyebrows, if you must know, are the most commonly ridiculed thing about me. When I read fan fiction with myself in it, I am always coming across phrases such as 'Mr. Creepy Eyebrows', 'Elrond's brows were knit in his infamous glare', 'the lord of Rivendell's signature furrowed brow face', and so on. What is wrong with my eyebrows? I like my eyebrows. They are so useful. They are useful for intimidating Lindir, for one thing. It always scares him when I bristle them at him. They are also useful for scaring away fan girls. Sometimes. They are useful for getting across a point without saying anything. They are useful...need I go on? Suffice it to say, I like my eyebrows.

But if you insist on representing them as creepy, I can assure you that if you had the children and in-laws (especially in-laws) I have, your eyebrows would be creepy as well. Creepy relations are the scientifically-proven cause of creepy eyebrows. And I have far too many creepy relations.

Let us begin with Elrohir and Elladan. You can't tell them apart, unless you know them very, VERY well. I still get them mixed up occasionally, and I am their father (much as I regret to admit it). If that's not creepy, I don't know what is. They also are always doing very creepy, insane things. Like setting booby traps for Erestor all over the last Homely House. And jumping out and tackling Glorfindel every five minutes (so he tells me...I do not vouch for his honesty).

But they are nothing, absolutely nothing, compared to Arwen. Arwen has to be one of the creepiest people I know (though not THE creepiest...I'll get to them in a moment). Arwen chases rangers around in the woods, sings weird enchantments in elvish to make water turn into horses, whispers all the time, hangs out with her goofy boyfriend through long range hypnosis (Galadriel taught her that), etc. Creeepyyy! And then she's always mooning around Rivendell...I can't seem to get rid of her! First I sent her off to Lothlorien. (Note to all desperate fathers: No matter how obnoxious your daughter is, do NOT send her to Lothlorien. Trust me, it only makes her worse.) But after a while, she insisted on coming back so she could hang out with Aragorn. Then I tried for _years_ to get her to go to Valinor, but she refused, and told me she had chosen a 'mortal life', which apparently meant that I was stuck with her until I decided to vacate Middle Earth. Finally, I thought I had convinced her to leave, but she came galloping back again, blathering nonsense about a son...her son, to be exact. Since when did she have a son? Finally, I let her marry Aragorn, and she went to Minas Tirith. But even now, she insists on taking extended vacations in Rivendell.

Which brings me to my creepy in-laws: first of all, Aragorn, my son-in-law, and before that, my foster son. I had no idea what I was letting myself in for when I adopted Aragorn. Not that I could have done anything about it, if I had known. Celebrian insisted that we adopt him, and in case you have never noticed, I am helpless against pushy women. But I have often since rued the day I allowed him in my house. Like Arwen, he whispers most of the time, and when he doesn't, he yells hoarsely. He's always chasing Arwen (as well as sundry other pretty women) around, and he's...a creep. Let us leave it at that for the time being. I suspect I shall say more on him later.

Then there is my father-in-law, Lord Celeborn. He is extremely creepy as well. I have heard it said that he looks sort of like an attractive zombie. The zombie part is right. I don't find him at all attractive, though.

But the ultimate creep is my mother-in-law, Galadriel. She has a creepy magic mirror which supposedly shows her things from the past, present, and future (though I personally doubt it...she probably just hypnotises people into thinking they see stuff in it). She turns into a creepy green rage monster when she is offered One Rings of destiny. She smiles creepily when you give her a compliment (Note to Gimli and Gandalf: Please stop giving Galadriel compliments in the movies...she totally creeps me out when she smiles). She's always doing long range hypnosis...at least Arwen only does it to Aragorn...Galadriel does it to anyone and everyone. But the very worst, creepy thing about her is that she can read my mind. Imagine having a mother-in-law who can read your mind! I can never get away with anything...not even having to shave every morning, which no one is supposed to know about. She is always finding out all my secrets and blackmailing me into doing what she wants. With a mother-in-law like her, who can wonder if I have creepy eyebrows?

So much for creepy eyebrows. Next: everyone is always trying to paint me out to be the bad guy for not letting Arwen marry Aragorn until he had won his crown. Let's be honest...Aragorn has not always been what I would call ideal son-in-law material. He hasn't really ever held a steady job, unless you count traipsing around in the wilds and smoking pipeweed with seedy old wizards and a bunch of hobbits a job. And he doesn't have even have one, single, respectable name.

He was born Aragorn. When he was little, we called him Estel. When he grew up, we called him Ellesar. Bilbo insisted on calling him the Dunedain. In Bree, everyone called him Strider. And that is by no means an exhaustive list. Would YOU let your daughter marry some unemployed bum who goes by half-a-dozen different aliases? Would you? Even if you could care less about your daughter. It would have been a shame on the family.

And we won't mention the fact that he always looks like he needs a bath. Always. His hair is never neat and not greasy looking. His face is never not streaked with mud and sweat. His clothes are never clean and whole.

And we won't even get started on his rather disturbing tendency to send smouldering looks to random blondes, not to mention waking them up and holding their hands in the middle of the night. He is not the sort of person you let your daughter marry...not until he shows some sign of settling down, at least.

Also...people give me a hard time because I didn't give him THE sword right from the beginning. Again...would YOU trust a precious heirloom to a shifty, hobo? Didn't think so.

I think I have made my views on Aragorn quite clear. In fact, I think I have made practically all my views quite clear. All my views on the subject at hand, that is. I could state my views on seeing Legolas bleeding all over my carpet and Aragorn with all his limbs broken (both common occurrences just a few years ago) very strongly if they had anything to do with writing self defending papers which you intend to submit for publication. I could also state my views on Ellrohir and Elladan propping buckets of water on top of open doors. (Sometimes I wish elves grew up as fast as humans do. Aragorn grew out of that stage years ago...but the twins have been doing this for centuries.) I could even state my views on the new song Lindir is making up outside my window, at the risk of driving you as crazy he is driving me.

But since those subjects have nothing to do with the subject at hand, and so I will now sign off.

-Elrond of Imladris

** Note: The following was suggested by **tommyginger**. 'Mr. Creepy Eyebrows', 'if you had the children and in-laws I have, your eyebrows would be creepy too', 'Celeborn...looks sort of like an attractive zombie', 'Imagine having a mother-in-law who can read your mind! (I) can never get away with anything...', and practically the entire section about Aragorn! Thanks, minion!**

**P/N: Thanks for reading! Please review, and go take my brand new poll!**


	15. Chapter 15: Arwen

**P/N: Hello again, all you awesome readers and reviewers! If I sound a little overly enthusiastic today, it's because I want you all to know I am fully recovered from my depression of a week or so ago. For about five minutes. :P**

**Thanks, everyone for your reviews! **Girl of Twilight Wings**, great suggestion...and isn't it so weird when Legolas points his bow at the fellowship in that one part? I don't get why that wasn't edited, or redone, or something. :) **Ccgaylord**, Yay! A fellow HISHE fan! Boromir doesn't get the reference (hmm...I need to train him in some hip culture) but he still understands the sentiment and he says thanks...and he wishes you had. And he says yeah, aren't his clothes awesome? Especially his cape. I love red capes (publisher's two-cents). **CloveClove**, Galadriel was very scary. I saw LOTR when I was thirteen (or was I fourteen?) and she scared me, too. And Elrond says she scared him right into marrying her daughter. (And he was several hundred years old, by then.) As I said, you have TG to thank for the Aragorn part...I liked it too. And Elrond says 'huh? What tiara?' I just pointed out the silver band around his forehead. He just crossed his arms and and said it wasn't a tiara. Oh well, Elrond, be stubborn if you like. **Melkor'sOnlyLieutenant**, Elrond says half-elves certainly can have migraines. He has one all the time, especially as Galadriel is always ringing in his head about feeling stuff in water and air and...etc. Migraines are the biggest drawback to being only _half_-elven. The second worst is having to shave. XD And he says that he was planning to have Arwen's ship sink on the voyage...but to please not tell her. **TimeyWimeyGirl**, Elrond is so glad you enjoyed it! **AA - MamaBirdCat**, Frodo is pouting in a corner now. He says that he's not a cry baby (in between sniffles) and that even if he is, it's to be expected, after all he went through. And I'm glad you like the line! And Elrond says he feels very sympathetic...you two are companions in misery (that from him). And he says, don't worry, you'll be getting those highly useful eyebrows soon, if what you say is true. And TG appreciates your comment. (I assume, anyways, from what she said when I told her about it.) **Animadeus**, Elrond says sometimes he wishes he was still here too...though when he thinks of all the fangirls swooning on his doorstep, not so much. Elrond says (note from publisher: I do not necessarily subscribe to anything Elrond says!) that Celeborn knows...but being a zombie, he doesn't care...even when Galadriel blackmails him. And that he's glad that someone thinks his eyebrows are awesome. He doesn't understand why anyone wouldn't, and I can't seem to make him understand that they do (think they're awesome)...they just also think they are fun to make fun of. :D And I'm glad you like it! **LathielStormbade**, Denethor says he isn't a jerk. And Grima says he's not a villain. Apparently, after all their carefully though out arguments didn't persuade you, they think a plain, unsupported statement will. Shelob and Eowyn say thanks. So you're an Eomer fan? :) I'll see if I can get him to write one, and thanks for the suggestion! **Icprncss2**, thanks for faithfully submitting suggestions! I really appreciate all the ideas I can get! Here is Arwen right here, and I don't know...I may be able to dredge up something about Elrohir and Elladan... **FENW**, Here you go, and you're welcome! **Lily-Lindsey Aubery**, yes, I know. Aragorn will eventually write one. But he may come near the end, once everyone is done blaming stuff on him and he has a nice long list of things to defend himself about. :) **ScribeofHeroes**, Elrond says he isn't really protective of his kids...but he is extremely protective of other people from his kids, and sometimes it looks like it's the kids he's protecting. And since he does raise his eyebrow quite frequently, he says it's ok for you to write that he does. And my sister says he reminds her of Spock as well... Unfortunately, he is unfamiliar with Star Trek. Btw, you have officially made it onto my list of top five favourite reviewers. For many reasons, but partly because you read my publisher notes. Does anyone else read my publisher's notes? Oh dear, I'm plunging into depression again. But anyways, congratulations. :) And about Aragorn, see above. **Ccgaylord**, yeah, well...Elrond is maintaining a discreet silence on that point, but I'm not sure he really minded his wife leaving. There are even rumours that he threw a party. Not that there's any actual proof...it happened over a thousand years ago, I think.****  
**

**Sorry for the really long note. (And so I'm making it longer, of course. Count on me.)**

Arwen Evenstar

My name is Arwen. And though some people like me, I'm not half as appreciated as I should be. There are an ever increasing number of people who call me 'creepy', or 'sappy', or 'annoying', or even 'ugly'. Ugly? Me? _Ugly_?! Not on your life! I am the most beautiful woman in the world...the image of Luthien! And though Liv Tyler couldn't quite do justice to my beauty (no one could), I still think she was quite pretty. What's all this about ugly Arwen?

Then there are all the people who attack my behaviour. Some say I'm creepy. Others say I'm sleazy. Still others say I'm sappy. And some say I'm a mixture of the three. All stuff and nonsense. Creepy? What's creepy about me? Or sappy for that matter?

There is something I need to clear up. It is not my fault that I am always hanging around Aragorn all the time. I do _not _hypnotise him, as my father (and sundry others) like to claim. Aragorn is always hypnotising _me_. He hypnotised me into marrying him, and he hypnotised me into always hanging out with him, when he should have been saving the hobbits, or the Ring, or Rohan, or Gondor. It is entirely not my fault that I'm always showing up in all the movies, when I was only in the book for point zero seconds.

Though I don't see why anyone should mind my being in the movie as much as I was. I think it would have only improved the movie had I been in there a whole lot more. It would have been awesome if I had been the tenth walker, for example. You would be able to look at me all the time, and you need someone beautiful to look at with a company like the one Peter Jackson chose. Seriously! Frodo was creepy, Sam was fat, Merry had a horrendous jaw, Pippin was really old (and he had a terrible accent!), Gandalf was even older (and I hate beards...I'm so glad elves can't grow them), Boromir...well, Boromir was ok, but he died in the first movie, and he had a beard, Aragorn was always dirty, and even underneath the dirt he was undeniably ugly (go check out a picture of him online), Legolas was suffering from annerexia (because Tauriel dumped him because he was too fat), and Gimli was...a dwarf. Seriously, we could do with a little more beauty in the fellowship. No wonder Tolkien felt the need to throw in half a dozen stupendously beautiful women during the course of the books.

Also, I should not be blamed for almost leaving for Valinor. Aragorn told me to! So did father! In fact, so did half the audience! (**OneSizeFitsAll** made me put that in). And Peter Jackson was the one who made me do it. It's not my fault at all...why does everyone blame me?

And everyone who doesn't blame me for almost leaving for Valinor blames me for staying home! Well, I can't please everyone! And apparently, I can't please anyone. I stayed home because Aragorn hypnotised me into promising I'd choose a mortal life a long time ago, and then he hypnotised me into seeing my son. Don't ask me why he did that, after telling me to leave...he's just fickle.

Seriously, I saw the movie, and all he did when I wasn't around to keep an eye on him was chase after pretty blondes. Though I personally don't think Eowyn was very pretty. Nothing compared to me, anyway. Aragorn is so uncontrollable.

Some people complain about my going and rescuing Frodo when it was Glorfindel's job in the book. But seriously, you wouldn't want to see Glorfindel for long enough for him to save Frodo...have you ever seen the creep? If not, go look up a picture of him on LOTR wiki. (Scroll to the bottom of the page.) I promise, I am much less disturbing to look at. In fact, I'm not disturbing at all! I'm beautiful, and Glorfindel definitely isn't. Besides, Glorfindel's involvement in the book was completely random. He came in for one chapter and then vanished out of this world. Book, that is. He never did anything else, and was completely unimportant to the story. He messed up the flow and plot line. And, as I said, he's creepy.

And lastly, (I think I also put this first), I am not, repeat _not_, creepy! I am perfectly normal, excepting my surpassing beauty, which, of course, has no equal. Other than Luthien, and even her I doubt. I am amazing, not creepy, and there is absolutely no reason on Arda or out of it why you shouldn't like it.

-Arwen Evenstar

**P/N: Please review, and if you haven't taken my new poll, do now. That's an order. Please? Thanks!**


	16. Chapter 16: Smeagol and Gollum

**P/N: Hello again! Thanks for ****reviewing, everyone! **Animadeus**, Arwen says thanks for the pep talk, it did her a lot of good. And she says it totally served Glorfindel right that she stole his horse. He had stolen hers a week before...and lamed it! (This is all according to her. I will not vouch for the truth of this statement.) **Melkor'sOnlyLieutenant**, Arwen says you're not making any sense (no offense). You think Elrond is cool right? According to your logic then, she should be cool as well. :) (Btw, that smiley face is from the publisher, not from Arwen.) Elrond is glad you like his eyebrows. And he says that Arwen aways ruins everything. And I (the publisher) am a Glorfindel fan as well. **CloveClove**, Arwen says it is a little known fact, but a fact nevertheless. And she doesn't want me to get Aragorn to write a defence either. Hmm...we have a lot of Glorfindel fans around here...maybe we should start a club. :P **Suspicion's Curiosity**, glad you liked it! And after watching the Puppet Master, Elijah Wood just cracks me up in LOTR. Especially in the Galadriel scene. **Ginny**, so glad to hear it...hope you continue to enjoy it. **2MFreidmanFreak**, Arwen says that her dad only calls her creepy because he was mad at her for grounding him that weekend. And not to worry about her getting sued. She knows how to control Peter Jackson. Elrond says thanks, as usual. And he says that Aragorn and Arwen completely deserved each other. There is no reason to pity either of them. I don't know why I keep publishing this either...except for that it's one of the few things I've posted that people keep reviewing. :) **LadyMirielGelliam**, Frodo is getting a little depressed with all this feedback about how Elijah Wood did an awful job. He was threatening this morning to kill himself if he got any more. Please send more. And Elrond is very gratified that you liked his defence. He's trying to talk me into letting him write another one, just so that he can get some more fan mail!**

**So, I have something a little different for you today. I do apologize if you mind the way we did this. Smeagol kept sending me papers which, though they started out as defences, were something completely different by the end. I could not seem to make him stay on topic, no matter how many times I sent them back. (Now you know what took me so long to publish this chapter.) In order to have him give an orderly, intelligible defence, I was obliged to speak with him in person and keep him to the point myself. Anyhow, here's his defence.**

An Interview with Smeagol and Gollum

OneSizeFitsAll (OSFA): I'm here today with Smeagol, interviewing him on his part in the Lord of the Rings. Smeagol, would you mind explaining why you attacked Frodo on numerous occasions and tried to steal the Ring?

Smeagol: Smeagol wouldn't hurt Master! The Precious made us do it!

Gollum: Master tricked us! Tricksy, false hobbitses, they stole it from us! They're all tricksy!

Smeagol: Not Master! Master is our friend!

Gollum: You don't have any friends. Nobody likes YOU...

OSFA: Interesting. But don't lets get off track. I noticed you complained about Frodo tricking you. However, as you were always tricking him, leading him to dangerous places, throwing his food away, sneaking...

Smeagol: Sneaking? Sneaking! OneSizeFitsAll is so polite!

OSFA: So, you were not sneaking...what were you doing?

Gollum: Sneaking!

OSFA: As this is a defence of your own actions, which people may be led to judge you by (though I doubt it), I believe it is in your interest to cooperate. I think it would be a good idea to tell our readers what you were actually doing. If you say 'sneaking', they may believe you, and I don't believe you want that to happen.

Smeagol: (sulkily) Smeagol was taking a look around.

OSFA: Taking a look around? Would you mind explaining why, and at what?

Smeagol: (angrily) If stupid, fat Aragorns can take looks around, why can't poor Smeagol? Smeagol shows hobbitses secret ways that nobody else could find and keeps watch every night because stupid, fat hobbit falls asleep, and they say 'sneak'. Sneak?! Very nice friends, oh yes, my Precious, very nice.

OSFA: How fascinating. So, why did you lead Frodo to Shelob's lair?

Smeagol: Master says to show him the way into Mordor, so good Smeagol does. Master says so.

OSFA: But surely you cannot deny that you were planning to have Shelob eat Frodo.

Smeagol: (glaring at OSFA) Why does he hate poor Smeagol? What has Smeagol ever done to him? Smeagol wouldn't hurt a fly. It was the only way...

Gollum: (slyly) Master must go in, or go _back_.

OSFA: I see. One more thing, Smeagol. Why did you murder Deagol?

Gollum: Mustn't ask us. Not its business.

OSFA: Remember what I said about cooperation, Smeagol?

Gollum: He should have given it to us!

OSFA: You are speaking of the Ring? Perhaps so, but surely that doesn't justify your murdering him?

Gollum: It was mine! My own! It came to me on my birthday!

Smeagol: My Precious!

OSFA: Thank you, Smeagol, for your time. This interview has been highly illuminating.

Smeagol: Good Smeagol always helps!

-Smeagol, interveiwer OneSizeFitsAll

**P/N: Please read and review, and if you haven't taken my poll yet, please go take it! Thanks, everyone, for your support.**


	17. Chapter 17: Galadriel

**P/N: Yes, I am finally back. **Melkor'sOnlyLieutenant**, Smeagol says "Nice Smeagol, he is cute isn't he, Precious?" Gollum insists he's not. And thanks! :D **Mirlasse**, well, maybe you saw something similar. This probably isn't the most original idea. :D Sauron says it was Maedhros's fault for trying to escape.** AA - MamaBirdCat**, Arwen did not take your review well. She is ranting at the moment about suicidal Rohirrim farm girls. She says her life has been anything but protected...in her own words: "Seriously? You call living with Dad protected? Not to mention Elrohir and Elladan...let me tell you, living in the same house with them is no picnic! Eowyn had a awesome brother and a cool uncle, yet you say she had it worse of than me? Nonsense!" Following is recorded word for word what happened when I read Smeagol and Gollum your review. (Smeagol curls up in ball and starts crying.) Gollum: (cooing, his hand stroking his shoulder)Smea...gol ... Why does it cry, Smeagol? Smeagol: (sobbing) cruel men say mean things about us. Gollum: Of course he did. I told you he was tricksy. I told you he was false. Etc. **Ccgaylord**, I am now in the act of comforting Smeagol with your review. His sobs have grown less. And thanks. **Lily Lindsey-Aubery**, Smeagol: Yes (hiccough), yes... Smeagol got out of Mount Doom (sniff), Precious. **ScribeofHeroes**, yeah, well, you can't really blame him. After all, he just went through a traumatic experience...I hear Mount Doom is very hot. **CloveClove**, Smeagol says thanks. (He has almost stopped crying now.) **2MFreidmanFreak**, Smeagol is quite over his litte sob-fest now. Thanks...that was a little awkward. **LathielStormblade**, Saruman says that he indeed is not an evil person. He's glad you agree with him. Merry and Pippin say thanks. The Veggie Tales quote was 'Have we got a show for you!' (Do they still say that in Veggie Tales, these days? I only have the really old ones...) Frodo was so relieved to hear he was _somebody's_ favourite hobbit. No one else really seems to like him much. And yes, it was me you told about Sam being the real hero (Frodo wants me to tell you that he begs leave to differ.) Elrond says he wouldn't mind the world not loving him, if they would not love his creepy in-laws either. Better yet, if they would kick them into Mount Doom.**

**So, here (at last) is the next chapter. Thanks so much for your patience!**

Galadriel

The world is changed: I feel it in the water, I feel it in the earth, I smell it in the air. Your coming is as the footsteps of doom. You bring great evil here, dear reader.

I can see your thoughts. You think me creepy. Some of you even think me...wicked, perhaps.

I can feel you trying to close your ears to my words. You ward me off, as you would a blow. You think I will try to get a hold of your mind...to exert my influence over you and control your thoughts.

You need not worry. I do not control minds. I do not hypnotise people. I spoke to Frodo as you would speak to a friend...with no ill intent, no attempt to bring him under my power. You believe me when I tell you this. Why should you not? I would not lie.

I am no witch, to try and influence people for evil. I would not try to control a person's mind. You know this, don't you? Of course you do.

I was never cruel to Celeborn. That was but a rumour created by some idle gossip, or the Dark Lord himself. I love Celeborn as he loves me. We are happy together. I do not try to control him, just as he does not try to control me. We dwell in perfect harmony and peace. You have no reason to doubt my word.

I do not smile creepily when people flatter me, as my son-in-law claims. Sometimes I may smile on a friend when I meet him after long years. There is nothing strange in this. So do we all. If he pays me a compliment at our meeting, I am not the one who has done wrong.

My smiles are not creepy. They are as the smiles of any other woman. You cannot help but agree.

My mirror shows things that were, things that are, and some things that have not yet come to pass. I do not have to hypnotise those that look into it into thinking that they saw these things. They did. The mirror is truly magic. My son-in-law does not know everything. You know this already. I have no need to tell you.

You do not blame me for convincing Frodo that Boromir meant to steal the ring. You know I did not do this on purpose. You know that I was speaking of Aragorn when I said that he would take the ring from Frodo...not Boromir. You cannot blame me. You understand why I wanted to sow doubts in everyone's minds about Aragorn. You realize that no would ever want Aragorn as a grandson-in-law. You know you would have done the same thing.

I do not turn into green algae monsters. It was simply a trick of your eyes. An optical allusion. You can believe me. You do believe me.

You believe all I have told you so far. There is absolutely no reason why you should think I am creepy or evil any longer. And you do not. I am a perfectly normal person, apart from my awe-inspiring beauty.

You love me, just as you ought. You are glad I am in practically every movie. You know this, and you must admit it.

-Galadriel

**P/N: As usual, review, take my poll if you haven't yet, and go check out my other stories (I've added some new ones recently) and my favourites list! Bye!**


	18. Chapter 18: Gandalf

**P/N: Hi all! Time for responses: **Melkor'sOnlyLieutenant**, (and everybody else who was not hypnotised by Galadriel) Galadriel was crushed to find that you can't hypnotise someone via a piece of paper (or, more properly, a computer). And Sauron says he's trying as hard as he can. :) **Revolutionary Star**, Aww...so sweet of you to say so! Boromir says yes, he does deserve a lot more credit, and inherited insanity is definitely a real thing. Yes! I'm sending an air high-five your way! Orlando really needs to retire...at least from his role as Legolas. Or at least go on a diet. (Hey, if they can do it to Tom Hiddleston, they can do it to the Florida Orange Boy!) I didn't really find Thranduil creepy at all. Evil, yes...crazy, yes...even a little bit annoying. But not very creepy. I think I was expecting a blonde version of Loki. And he kind of ruined the moment by turning into Two Face from The Dark Knight. Anyways, glad you enjoyed this! **Animadeus**, Galadriel says that she's glad that she has at least one supporter in this howling waste land of muck-rakers. And apparently Aragorn can't please anyone. ;D **Lily Lindsey-Aubery**, good creepy or bad creepy? :) Yeah, no one would want Aragorn as a grandson-in-law. **Ccgaylord**, Galadriel just asked me what the jedi hand wave was. I referred her to Star Wars. Oops! Bad call, OneSize! Be prepared, in case she learns some new hypnotism tricks in the next few days. And see my reply to Lily's comment. **CloveClove**, again, good creepy or bad creepy? Galadriel says she's glad you don't hate her, but she isn't creepy. (You must believe this. It is true. You know this. etc.) **ScribeofHeroes**, Woohoo! Go it...tell her off good! Anyways, you made a great case there. But Galadriel says she can't help it if she knows what you're thinking...and it doesn't mean she's controling your mind. (Replay 'You know this' spiel.) **LotR**, just wanted to let you know, I _really_ enjoyed your review. I mean, I enjoy all my reviews, but yours was especially fun. I always like the long ones. :) And Elrond says you are exactly right...how can anyone blame him for anything when he has such an angsty, tragic, traumatising life? He also says thanks for your support. :D **Ness**, MOS just went crazy with joy over your calling him 'dear ol''. And Denethor just went crazy with joy over the fact that he now has one more fan. And Grima just went crazy with joy over the fact that you agree he should fullfill his destiny. And the orcs are glad they made you laugh. (I think they might also be glad they made you die. Orcs just tend to be that way...) **2MFriedmanFreak**, Galadriel says that you should take hypnotism lessons from her. She says you have great potential. And sorry about the optical allusion. I'm not sure how you would optically allude. :)**_  
_

**So, that's all. Enjoy!**

Gandalf

My name is Gandalf the Grey. It is also Gandalf the White. It is also Mithrandir. It is also quite a few other things I can't remember at the moment. I have a lot of names.

But I'm not writing this so that you'll know how to address me in the next invitation you write me. (Though it would be nice if you would make a mental note of the above titles and not address me as 'The Grey Pilgrim' as somebody...probably Erestor...did in the invitation I received for Arwen and Aragorn's wedding. What I mean is, 'The Grey Pilgrim' is all very well for every day use...if you feel like taking that long to address me every day...but it just isn't the thing on an invitation.) I'm actually here to defend myself from all the people out there who don't think I'm as wonderful as I really am.

The first and most important complaint that people make about me, and the one that I am most eager to defend myself against, is that:

I smoke too much.

This is an entirely unfair claim. I do _not_ smoke too much. I smoke just enough and no more. Smoking is an innocent and amusing past time, and it has been proven to be beneficial to one's health. The hobbits smoke to an excess, and they are some of the healthiest, hardiest people I know. After all, Frodo survived a wound from a Morgul blade far longer than most men or elves would have. It is my opinion that this fact is due to the large quantities of pipe weed he smoked._  
_

I also get many complaints on my peculiar style of dress and hair cut. For Valar's sake, I'm a _wizard_! What else are wizards for, if not to look eccentric?

There, now that the most pressing and erroneous issues are dealt with, I will move on to the less important ones.

First, certain people keep asking me why in Valinor's name I couldn't open those silly doors in Orthanc, if Frodo could open doors in Moria. The problem was not that I am not powerful enough to open doors...the reader with a particularly good memory will recall that in the book, I was able close a door with a powerful spell in Moria, and thus delay the Balrog of Morgoth. I am very powerful and can, of course, open doors, and such like; but, at the time, I was only a small, grey wizard, and, powerful as I was, Saruman the White was still more powerful than me. So please don't go talking about weak wizards who can't open silly little doors.

Second, people like to ridicule me for dying and waking up again. I don't understand why. If I had to die, why shouldn't I wake up again? You would have wanted to wake up if you had died, I'll bet. And if I hadn't woken up, Aragorn, Legolas, and Gimli would still be wandering around in Fangorn (if they weren't eaten by a tree before now), Theoden would still be under the power of Saruman, Denethor would still be alive and Faramir wouldn't, Frodo and Samwise would have been engulfed in lava, etc. etc. etc. Isn't it a good thing I came back to life?

Third, Pippin fans are always getting mad at me for always referring to him as 'Fool of a Took'. What else do they want me to call him? 'Clever, brilliant, genius of a Took'? (*Perhaps 'Pippin' would suffice? -Publisher's Two-Cents*) I called him fool of a Took, firstly, because he _was_ a fool of a Took, and secondly, because it motivated him to think before he opened that big mouth of his. It made him think whether what he was saying was intelligent or not, because he knew if it wasn't, I would pounce on him. Believe me, if I hadn't kept on his back about it, he would have annoyed everybody terribly with his idiotic comments. As it was, I was able to keep them to a minimum, and he appeared more 'cute' than stupid.

Fourth, some people say I should have thought of enlisting the help of the eagles at the very beginning of our quest, and thus spared much pain and death, but if I had done that Gollum wouldn't have fallen into Mount Doom! We would still have a crazy ring-junkie running around Middle Earth! (Wait a minute...does Frodo qualify as a crazy ring junkie? *Yes, he does. -Publisher's Two-Cents*) Not to mention, Frodo would never have consented to throwing the ring into the fire if Gollum hadn't been there to drive him to it.

Fifth, **OneSizeFitsAll** informs me that one of his readers wishes to know why I am always late. I am never late, I am always right on time. I joined Frodo and the other hobbits later than he wished me to, but no later or earlier than I wished myself to. I met Aragorn, Legolas, and Gimli exactly when I meant to. I rushed in and saved the day at Helmsdeep when I had promised Aragorn I would, on the dot. I always get where I want to be, when I want to be. And I always have a reason why I get there when I get there.**  
**

Sixth, I understand that some people (we won't mention any names) are irritated by the fact that I am always flattering Galadriel. But it really isn't my fault. It's not as though I enjoy flattering her. As you are aware, she has unmatched powers of hypnotism. Whenever she is around, I am not responsible for my words and actions.

Seventh, there are a few people out there who think I must be a lame wizard because I fell down a bottomless hole. That was entirely not my fault. I think somebody pushed me. Of course, I won't mention any names... (But it's my personal conviction that it was Aragorn.) I know that the Balrog pulled me. Anyhow, if anyone should be blamed, it is Aragorn. He easily could have pulled me up when I grabbed hold of the bridge. But he didn't...he even held back Frodo from doing it. He will try to tell you that I told him not to, but that is entirely false. When I cried out 'Fly, you fools!' I meant for them to fly _towards _me and pull me up. The real reason Aragorn didn't pull me up is because he's power-grasping and wanted to control the fellowship himself, without me to get in his way.

Eighth, and I believe last, a very few people say it was wrong of me to knock Denethor into the fire. This was not my fault either. My horse was galloping far too fast down the hallway, and when I pulled it to a stop, it reared and knocked Denethor onto the pyre he had built. It wasn't my fault, I assure you. If I hadn't pulled the horse to a stop, he would have run Denethor over, which also would have resulted in his death, albeit not such a theatrical one. Besides, nobody liked that lunatic anyways, except for silly **OneSizeFitsAll** (whom we all know is as crazy Denethor himself).

I believe that is all. If you have any other complaints, please contact me (via review or PM to **OneSizeFitsAll**) and I will endeavour to satisfy you.

I hope you will rethink any false ideas you may have had about me in the past. Thank you.

-Gandalf the White (_not _The Grey Pilgrim, if you please...at least not in an invitation)

**P/N: One quick note, **Lily Lindsey-Aubery** instructs me to say that she was the reader who requested to know why Gandalf was always late, and that you should go read and review (and follow and favourite) her stories.**

**So...please review! Also, I was shocked and horrified (:P) a few days ago to see that Legolas has caught up to Elrond on my poll. (So have Elrohir and Elladan, but I don't mind them.) Anyways, I decided to quit while Elrond still wasn't behind. I've changed my poll back to 'If you woke up one morning in Middle Earth, what would you do?' until I think of and write up a new one, so if you haven't taken it, go do so. Also, if you're running out of good fan fiction to read in between my sporadic posts, go check out my favourites list. I promise, everyone and everything on there is absolutely awesome. And, of course, I always love it when someone who's been reading this story reads (and reviews!) one of my other stories! So, that ought to keep you busy 'til next time! Bye!**


	19. Chapter 19: Balrogs of Morgoth

**P/N: Yay! I finally found a Balrog who knew how to spell. (Kind of...I had to edit this one a lot.) But first, I'll reply to all my reviews. **Ccgaylord**, Gandalf says thanks. He sees 'authoritative' and 'persnickety' as positive terms. And he says finding things to blame Aragorn is never too difficult. (Actually, it is, sometimes. Oh well.) **Melkor'sOnlyLieutenant**, Gandalf insists that he wasn't mean to Pippin, but he's glad that you don't mind him, otherwise. Galadriel says she wanted to make a famous breakthrough in the art of hypnosis. No one had ever tried to hypnotise someone via computer before, so she wanted to be the first. And yes, I probably will eventually do a defence of Thranduil eventually, but I want to finish up with most of the LOTR characters first. **ScribeofHeroes**, first of all, I want to say that my writers and myself all love your long reviews. Gandalf says that he's glad you agree with him on so many points, and where you disagree with him...well, he'll just agree to disagree. He thinks that Pippin never learns from the terrible consequences of his actions and that wizards never apologize. It is also his opinion that women should not be flattered, particularly if they smile creepily whenever one flatters them. An occasional compliment to a woman who is not already up to her neck in vanity is perfectly acceptable, but one should not purposefully flatter someone like Galadriel. And Aragorn and Boromir were strong, weren't they? Not to mention Legolas, who is an elf, and can therefore do basically anything...even surf down stairs on shields, according to Peter Jackson. And he's glad you like his names. **AA - MamaBirdCat**, Movie!Galadriel was pretty creepy. I don't remember if I liked her in the book...it's been to long since I've read it without thinking of Cate Blanchett. Gandalf says that these days he mostly prefers 'the White', but his old friends still tend to call him 'the Grey', so whichever. And he's glad you pardoned him. :) **2MFriedmanFreak**, Gandalf says that the Istari are actually far more advanced, morally, than common men (and elves). They even approach perfection, if they do not fall, as Saruman did. And wizards have far more important things to learn than etiquette. Galadriel says she's secured you a free pass into Lothlorien. Go and visit her, and she'll teach you all the basics of hypnosis, free of charge. Offer does not apply to anyone but you. **CloveClove**, Gandalf is cute? Well, that's a new way of putting it. I always thought of him more along the lines of 'cool' back when I used to like him. :) And yes, Aragorn and Galadriel are a blight upon Middle Earth.**

**So, that's it, and here it is!**

The Balrogs of Morgoth

We Balrogs are often misunderstood. That is putting it rather too mildly. Let me rephrase that. We Balrogs are _always _abused, misrepresented, and even ridiculed.

First of all, I would like to say to all watchers of LOTR who object to winged Balrogs, it is entirely Peter Jackson's fault we had wings in the movie. I have no idea whether or not Tolkien meant us to have wings, as I was not alive before Peter Jackson presented his infamous winged Balrog, but I can assure you, it is not our fault that we mostly have wings these days.

Secondly, I would like to say that us Balrogs are not half so evil as people tend to think we are. People seem to forget that we are simply servants of Melkor...if he tells us to do something, we have to do it. It's not our fault when we do bad things.d

Take Gothmog, for instance. **OneSizeFitsAll** told me that this is supposed to be a defence of LOTR characters, but I can not help but stand up for my race no matter what story they were presented in. Gothmog was the greatest Balrog of all time. Many people believe he was evil, just as many people believe all of us Balrogs are evil. But it wasn't his fault that he had to go attack Gondolin. Melkor told him to do it, so he did it. You can't imagine the tortures Melkor inflicts on those who disobey his bidding. And it wasn't Gothmog's fault that Ecthelion died, either. Ecthelion basically killed himself. If he wanted to shove a Balrog into a fountain to kill it, so be it. The ditzy brute didn't have to jump in after him.

Then there was the Balrog that killed Glorfindel. Again, he was only there because Melkor sent him. And if your enemy pushed you off a cliff, you would drag him after you, too. Glorfindel completely deserved what he got. (Except for being resurrected. He didn't deserve that.)

And then there is the most famous Balrog; the Balrog of Moria. This Balrog is generally presented as the fell beast who dared battle the great wizard Gandalf. (Who, by the way, isn't such a great wizard after all. Think about it...almost every fell person or creature in the entire spread of movies nearly or completely killed him. Just mentioning...) Let me say that his role was entirely misrepresented. He was not chasing innocent (Ha! Innocent...my wing!) wizards and rangers from the north with murderous intent. (Though you would think anyone would have a murderous intent towards Aragorn...) He noticed they were having a little trouble making it through the mines, so he came out to scare off the orcs and to give them directions on how to get out. You can imagine his confusion and bewilderment when Gandlaf started yelling wizardish enchantments at him for no good reason. He only came closer, onto the bridge, so as to hear more clearly what exactly Gandalf was saying...he had no ill intentions. When he found himself falling, he naturally tried to save himself by grabbing the bridge...it was sheer bad luck that his whip happened to snag Gandalf. As for why he fought him as and after they fell, you would have done the same if a wizard had suddenly landed on your back and started hacking at you with an elvish blade. He was merely defending himself when he killed Gandalf.

When you think about it, it was something of an honour for Gandalf to have been killed by a Balrog. That is the way all the great so-called heroes die...Ecthelion, Glorfindel, and the list goes on. And then, for the most part, only those who are killed by Balrogs are allowed to come back to life. Which is entirely unfair to us Balrogs. You have no idea how it feels to take part in a glorious battle with some elven or wizardish hero and, at the last, kill each other, only to know that, chances are, your opponent will come back to life while you are doomed to remain dead. It's a very depressing thought to think, as you are breathing your last.

So much for the individual, infamous Balrogs of bygone days.

Thirdly, some of you may be aware that Balrogs are really the Maia who followed Melkor when he fell from favour. We tend to get a lot of negative publicity, due to this fact. Let me start off by saying that Melkor is very manipulative, and if you aren't on your guard, he also comes across as very charming. Most of us Balrogs had no idea, when we first teamed up with Melkor, that we were doing something wrong. After all, he was (as most thought, at that time) the greatest of the Valar. We thought we were doing what Eru would wish by helping him. We had no idea that Eru secretly preferred Manwe.

By the time we found out that what Melkor was doing was wrong, it was too late to back out of it. We were stuck. I already mentioned Melkor's torturous forms of manipulation. I won't go into detail, but believe me, no one would ever be able to withstand Melkor, once one had yielded oneself to his service. You remember the story of Hurin, how he had to watch his family suffer? Or that guy whose name I can never remember, whom Melkor strung up by his hand, and how he eventually had to have it cut off? Let me tell you, that sort of thing is nothing compared to what Melkor (and Sauron, after him) were prepared to do to their servants, if we defied them. We had no choice but to do their bidding.

So, by now you understand that us Balrogs really aren't as evil as we are generally represented as being. If anything, we should be pitied for the miserable position in which we find ourselves.

-A Balrog of Morgoth

**P/N: The idea of the Moria Balrog wanting to offer the fellowship directions does not belong to me. It was suggested by **icprncss2**. Everyone give him/her a round of applause.**

***NEWS BULLETIN*  
_PLEASE READ_**

**As you know, this is the 19th chapter of A Reasonable Defence. The next chapter I post will be the 20th. (Woohoo!) It is also the 20th day of July today. _And_ there are 20 people following this story. So, just for fun, I want to see if this story can get 200 (10 times 20) reviews before I post chapter 20. If I do get 200 reviews (right now I have 176) I'm going to give you all a special gift, from me to you. So everybody REVIEW! Oh, and as a little something extra, if this story is put on 20 more people's favourite lists before the next chapter comes out (it's on 13 favourite's lists, right now), I'll give you a bonus gift! And if I get 20 unique voters to vote on my poll (I have 19, right now), I'll give you yet one _more_ bonus gift. And I may even give something to the 200th person who reviews, if I can think of anything. Anyways, it'll be quite the give-away if it actually ends up happening. (Which it will. I have faith in you, readers!)**


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